I have been questioning myself. Who I am, Who I rely on, What I believe, Why do I believe what I believe. My own self worth, Am I happy? If so, why/why not? Where am I going in life, why my dad always has reasons to comment on my lifestyle. Everything one of my college courses encourages every now and again.
Then I go and say, Fuck this, I'm 20.
A friend of mine, is going through a rough time right now. I know he is. I hate this because, He might be one ugly git, but he's my ugly git. Well, long story short. This lad's just had a break up which didn't go down so well. Not to say it was an ugly break up. It just hit unexpectedly hard.
We got talking kinda about it, He said he doesn't know how to be single. I replied, I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship.
I'ts been a long long time since I have changed my social networking site's relationship status. Sometimes, by choice. Other times not really. I have my reasons. Most make sense, others try to make myself feel noble and happy about it and some are just downright made of complete douche baggery. It got me thinking, Its actually been such a long time since i have hung out one on one with someone who was not one of my best mates more than once. I guess it's just how I am, once I have my friends, That is all I need. To go outside the box is rare. To explore what has become the the unknown is both scary and exciting.
Another thing thats been on my mind, that has really got me, was when I was talking to someone, I was explaining some things that related to our topic of conversation. I feel like I have lost this net of people around me.
I had plans for this entire week. I didn't expect to be home at all besides to eat/sleep then get back up eat/get ready/out the door again. So far its day 3 of this week, the most time I have spent out of the house was work on Tuesday night. I had to cancel on some of my friends because I was being made get some stuff sorted out or I was exhausted from working the weekend and couldn't even stay awake to watch Tv. Nearly all of my other plans didn't happen. It made me feel rather shit. I was so looking forward to this week. It was supposed to be class, but it turned into me sitting home, bored out of my head because I have nothing to do. Some friends live far away, some friends live very far away, Plans made with them are rare. Plans made with them can be very rare. When they happen I look forward to them a lot and I do understand when plans don't work out for various reasons but still its hard not to feel down about something you look forward to, no matter what it is. Then some people live very close, And I look forward to them plans a lot aswell. When they don't work out its nearly just as bad as the friends who live far away. This all leads up to this shit boredom feeling I get, when I get so irritated I would explode at someone with the slightest push.
I think the worst part of all this is, the fact. Since I work all weekend, every weekend I have no social life with what's always been referred to as the "The group". These people have for a long time been a large part of the foundation stone of my life, but these days I don't even consider myself part of said group anymore. This realisation hit me very very hard. I know I could go out, and everything would be as if I was always out. That's how things work. I know the difference though, When I think about it, I don't have anyone to blame but myself, Holding one's self accountable is hard to do, but sometimes It's alot easier than making up all the bullshit excuses that come to mind that I try fool myself with but it never really works. I know i don't make it easy, I'm a very closed off self secluded person, because of my gaming. I know this, but its not something I will talk about right now, I think back to he last night, that I got the feeling I was part of that group, was the night in Danny's when we played kings. That was months ago, but it's the most recent fond memory I have. It's weird I don't even feel like I have the right to ask people are they coming out tonight. Whenever I get the rare invite to come out, I'm usually working or already have plans. I hate when that happens, I feel like I need to pre-plan everything now. Spontaneous decisions don't go down well.
Nikki's birthday is Friday, She wants to go out. I'm not close to her at all, in fact I see her maybe once or twice every two or three months. I never want to miss birthdays. Some people were not at mine, and I sorely missed them that night. Work in the end will not let me
I wish things were different. Life's just not fair.
Even after all this, I realise some important things. Some good things to what I think I just talked about so much Negative stuff is a good thing.
My sister, I might feel like I'm losing my friends, but my sister never gives up. I might not spend that much time with her. She never stops asking, and trying with me though. I love her for that. It's one of the nicest things I've had to think about lately.
She's the only person that can do this and I wouldn't get mad at. :
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