Waiting

I knew I'd get like this again.

I'm a sucker for anything hopeful.

I'm waiting.

28.2.10 Part Two.

So, It's nearly time for work, My mothers cooking early because she rathers i eat dinner at home before i go to work. I really love her for this because as much as i love the food in Apache Pizza(Taco-Chips excluded) It's not good for me to eat all the time.
Sunday, The Roast. Sunday The recovery and relaxing day. Sunday, Half way through my working week and only two more days until my weekend. I like Sundays.

Gaming Eh? Lads who are into this, usually spend quite a lot of time at it. It's always seen as a guy thing. When really it's not. There's a lot of girls who play video games around. Just like the lads "Girl gamers" can easily be just as Better than/Just as good/shitter than everyone else. I find Girl gamers quite attractive simply because Gaming is a big big interest of mine. Work does not allow me much of a social life, but when I get the chance for parties and birthdays I'll always try be there.
I'm hoping for this to change now in the next week or so with my boss hiring someone back so I can get saturdays off. I don't personally mind working 4 days a week but I want a life back, Plain and simple. In a relationship It's good to have the same interests. So typically likeing the same music, food and Liking the other halfs friends. So you can go out at night, with said friends to places you will both enjoy. I'm not much of a Tv watcher. I love my movies, don't get me wrong but I cant watch re-runs after re-runs of the same shows. So gaming is what I do instead of Tv, So typically being with a girl who shares an interest in gaming, is a good thing in my books. But it's obviously not the most important thing because I've never been with a girl with this interest.

Gaming, the main point of this post. I have always spent alot of my time at this. Everyone says I'm addicted to it. I would have to agree. It's hard to give up something you enjoy for anyone. I'm always "give up smoking!, It's bad for you." When in reality I would find it hard to give up something that, I enjoy, that i do daily and De-stresses me, you can do with others.
I have aways based that I'm awake all the time, so i'll play games to keep me occupied, where as my parents and most others would believe it's the games that keep me awake. Staying up all night, sleeping all day. The basis of my life since i was about 15. If this is such a bad thing as people believe then shouldn't i feel adverse effects by now? I don't know, health disorders from my body clock being "wrong" or something I'm not sure.

Now I'm not argueing that there is nothing wrong with the amount of time I spend playing sometimes. There clearly is. I try not to put it before any kinda social activity but sometimes, I rank somethings I would rank just as high on my priority list. This might sound sad to anyone who does not have an active interest in gaming, but those who do, should understand
Like take back In September-Novemeber. I decided a game I have played for a long long time, I wanted to Play a certain game type within this game. To see how far, Me and a group of 7 others can get within this game type, Its an 8vs8 type situation, When you play with a group of people online in a game, You typically are called a Clan, The name of this one was "Time For Plan B [RUN]" We would Train/Play Sunday-Thursday from 7pm GMT to 9:30pm So i typically had to arrange my nights around this, Yes its a pain in the arse and was stressing, but i had decided I'd commit to this. You start at around Rank 1.500. 1 being the best and the higher being worse. It took us a while, but by novemeber, We were Ranked 89th In the world at that time. Something I'm quite proud of really. I done it for myself, to see how it would go, commited to something I enjoy to see how far i could get.

I'm done with that now, We gave up early december, after the last monthly tournement in which we placed 29th out of 68 clans I think.

Now I play Socially on the xbox with the lads, We started a clan called [óG]
It's really just for us to know who we play with on a regular basis. It's mostly irish lads, with one or two english lads.

Eddy O'neill [óG]
Aidan Boylan [óG]
Jason Mc Donald [óG]
Ray Mc Donald [óG]
Rhys Walton [óG]
Danny Choung [óG]

Mike Colgan [óG]

Aaron Gannon [óG]
Kamen Parmar [óG]

The thing about online gaming is, I know the first 4 people on that list.
I have never met the bottom five, yet i talk to them every day as if I did.
Gaming is like that. It's a pretty nice interest to have I think.



I'm not finished talking about this yet.

28.2.10

The hardest part really is letting go.

24.2.10

I'm going to be jumping back and forward a lot. This wont make much sense as a whole.

So, I guess everyone has their off, on, good, bad, eventful, boring, high and low days.
Sometimes I want to just come home and forget about everything and just sleep if it off.
What I would do to be able to do this. I just can't and I guess I can't hold it against you for falling asleep if you were exhausted after a bad day.

Plans should be on for tonight instead. I'm excited.

I have decided. I will miss your blue blue, I can live without your white and pink if I have to.
I can live without jokes about green. Just give me you're black over white. I miss that too much.

Is it too much to ask? to just leave me alone?
You have never had reason to worry.
You have never had reason to caution me properly.
It's funny, you say something to me and I will argue to the ground.
Then your other half says it and all I can do is to agree.
I cannot and will not do anything to upset this other half.
It's not in me to do this.

I got a new phone, I lost a lot of numbers. I only have numbers saved onto my sim card. There are SO many numbers I have, from people i have not thought about in a long time.
Then I see the name, and memories, jokes, little things all come rushing back. I know I have/had a reputation for texting a new girl every other week. It's just funny when you think, do people even think about you. Surely if they meant something to you sometime, You might have meant something to them as well. I know girls seem to live by this, "boy texts girl first, or we don't talk today" kinda rule. I think that's BULL SHIT, but sadly it's life for most girls to the point girls go and think lads are douches because they think they are ignoring them. So I might never hear from them again unless I make the effort. It's retarded sometimes. I have no problem manning up and talking first, just a hint my presence is even wanted helps. Even just a "text us tomorrow" will do. Fuck its not a lot to ask.

I have something to talk about later, Whenever I have enough time for a large post.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

I remember back when getting three hours sleep wouldn't even phase me. The next night I might sleep about twelve though. Ah to be sixteen. I ended up getting to sleep about 6am last night/morning. I woke up at 9. I HAD EVERY INTENTION OF GOING TO COLLEGE.

....Then I had one of them moments where you blink and lose an hour of your life.

So another day, I never went in. Fuck work, Fuck Apache Pizza, And FUCK THE WORD "TACO"

So maybe you can guess, work didn't go well this weekend. Very stressful indeed.

Tonight, I decide to take one of my three days off that I get and spend some quality time with a mate of mine, I haven't seen him properly in a while. It get to me sometimes, for someone who lives so close yet I hardly see. I pre planned, thought ahead to what would make tonight cool. got some sweets, was thinking about getting some beers, downloaded the lost we haven't seen and set it up to watch and got a new game to sit around and play through.. Yet there's no sign of him. No answer from the phone. I guess he just forgot.

And people wonder why I'm so moany and angry lately?

I had to turn down other plans, to sit here and wait..


Oh well, 9am start 2moro. Work after that.

Cheers.

Alright sorted.

I know what's up now.

21.2.10 Part Two

Off to work again.

I need something intense.
I need something to make me feel alive,
because right now I feel like giving up all together.

I done something stupid the other night, I text you.
I never thought you would reply, but you did.
Not my brightest move.

21.2.10

Someone asked me what annoys me the most, two things that came to mind. One I wont say, because its very easy to do to me, and I'm very reactable to it and that's just plain not cool...


The second is being confined.
Coming home from work, Which I get is not that much exercise, but It's activity for 7 1/2 hours a night, Even when I come home wrecked, I do be awake for hours. I'd give anything for somewhere to just do something. It's funny, I'm perfectly happy sometimes to sit in during the day, and do nothing but as soon as it gets dark, I feel the need to get out. Do something, do anything. the only thing I cant do, is exactly that. My house is too enclosed to make any noise at night, it wakes everyone up. I just had an idea around this.. Ooooooooo :) but being confined still pisses me off, half the time I have no where to go, but I need the option.

I want a weights bench, THE ONE OF THE TWO THINGS MY HOUSE CANNOT ACCOMMODATE (the other being drums)

20.2.10

There's some things in life I know will never change. The fact that if I want to see you, I have to wrestle the commitment from your lips. The fact that if you even tried to take an active role in my life again, I will know better, and I will know that you will be gone again before I wake up. I can finally say I'm better than this.

I don't do well in wait and see situations. I need to know what's going on. It actually just makes me over think, in possibilities and let downs. Fuck you bro.

I have also come to the conclusion I'm a lucky boy. I'm just not lucky enough.

On a side note, I loveee tigers. I don't know much about them, but fuck they are class.

19.2.10 Part Two.

I realise, that i write usually after 12am. so most posts are about the day, of the date before. So this post is about the 19th, where as part one was actually about the 18th. Oh well.

I got my hair cut today, I have yet to decide if I like it. Work in 10 mins. It is kinda nice. Short if nothing else. I might resort to wearing hats a bit more. I'll think about it.


I'm afraid of change.

19..2.10

What's somebody like you, doing in a place like this?

I myself am made entirely out of flaws, stitched together with good intentions and with them good intentions, I'll play my game with you, but only if you agree to play too.

I spent agggesss in town today. I had a great time. It was just so good. Every moment was thoroughly enjoyed. Too many good moments. Thank you for today. I really enjoyed it.
I will not be waiting another two years for another day like today. Be sure of that.

P.s I am not mean. -.-

18.2.10

Here I am, been avoiding writing anything for the last few days. I don't know why. I have had a fair few conversations in the last week or two that bring some things to mind that I would rather have buried. When I say buried I don't mean, in a hole in some lads back yard. I mean, In some long dead abandoned mine shaft.

I have been questioning myself. Who I am, Who I rely on, What I believe, Why do I believe what I believe. My own self worth, Am I happy? If so, why/why not? Where am I going in life, why my dad always has reasons to comment on my lifestyle. Everything one of my college courses encourages every now and again.

Then I go and say, Fuck this, I'm 20.

A friend of mine, is going through a rough time right now. I know he is. I hate this because, He might be one ugly git, but he's my ugly git. Well, long story short. This lad's just had a break up which didn't go down so well. Not to say it was an ugly break up. It just hit unexpectedly hard.
We got talking kinda about it, He said he doesn't know how to be single. I replied, I wouldn't know how to be in a relationship.

I'ts been a long long time since I have changed my social networking site's relationship status. Sometimes, by choice. Other times not really. I have my reasons. Most make sense, others try to make myself feel noble and happy about it and some are just downright made of complete douche baggery. It got me thinking, Its actually been such a long time since i have hung out one on one with someone who was not one of my best mates more than once. I guess it's just how I am, once I have my friends, That is all I need. To go outside the box is rare. To explore what has become the the unknown is both scary and exciting.

Another thing thats been on my mind, that has really got me, was when I was talking to someone, I was explaining some things that related to our topic of conversation. I feel like I have lost this net of people around me.
I had plans for this entire week. I didn't expect to be home at all besides to eat/sleep then get back up eat/get ready/out the door again. So far its day 3 of this week, the most time I have spent out of the house was work on Tuesday night. I had to cancel on some of my friends because I was being made get some stuff sorted out or I was exhausted from working the weekend and couldn't even stay awake to watch Tv. Nearly all of my other plans didn't happen. It made me feel rather shit. I was so looking forward to this week. It was supposed to be class, but it turned into me sitting home, bored out of my head because I have nothing to do. Some friends live far away, some friends live very far away, Plans made with them are rare. Plans made with them can be very rare. When they happen I look forward to them a lot and I do understand when plans don't work out for various reasons but still its hard not to feel down about something you look forward to, no matter what it is. Then some people live very close, And I look forward to them plans a lot aswell. When they don't work out its nearly just as bad as the friends who live far away. This all leads up to this shit boredom feeling I get, when I get so irritated I would explode at someone with the slightest push.

I think the worst part of all this is, the fact. Since I work all weekend, every weekend I have no social life with what's always been referred to as the "The group". These people have for a long time been a large part of the foundation stone of my life, but these days I don't even consider myself part of said group anymore. This realisation hit me very very hard. I know I could go out, and everything would be as if I was always out. That's how things work. I know the difference though, When I think about it, I don't have anyone to blame but myself, Holding one's self accountable is hard to do, but sometimes It's alot easier than making up all the bullshit excuses that come to mind that I try fool myself with but it never really works. I know i don't make it easy, I'm a very closed off self secluded person, because of my gaming. I know this, but its not something I will talk about right now, I think back to he last night, that I got the feeling I was part of that group, was the night in Danny's when we played kings. That was months ago, but it's the most recent fond memory I have. It's weird I don't even feel like I have the right to ask people are they coming out tonight. Whenever I get the rare invite to come out, I'm usually working or already have plans. I hate when that happens, I feel like I need to pre-plan everything now. Spontaneous decisions don't go down well.

Nikki's birthday is Friday, She wants to go out. I'm not close to her at all, in fact I see her maybe once or twice every two or three months. I never want to miss birthdays. Some people were not at mine, and I sorely missed them that night. Work in the end will not let me

I wish things were different. Life's just not fair.

Even after all this, I realise some important things. Some good things to what I think I just talked about so much Negative stuff is a good thing.

My sister, I might feel like I'm losing my friends, but my sister never gives up. I might not spend that much time with her. She never stops asking, and trying with me though. I love her for that. It's one of the nicest things I've had to think about lately.

She's the only person that can do this and I wouldn't get mad at. :

16.2.10

Abandon ship, There's nothing left worth saving.
Abandon ship, The icy waters probably more inviting than your hospitality.
Abandon ship, There's no land in sight.
Abandon ship, My guilt will probably weigh me down anyway.

Come home, text me, come online, ring me. do anything. just talk to me...
I like how I started my blog, wrote this line, And you did exactly that.

Lurking, everyone who owns a social networking site does it. Curiosity kills.
I'll talk more about this later.

So I'm the douche again. If you wanna be the way you're being then fine. I can play that too.
I love to play.
I love to win.

14.2.10 Part Two.

I wondered after writing that blog about the things i look back very fondly, which I would dream about.

School won

like my job but I hate it at the same time, one of the worst parts is burning myself on the 276 degree oven. I now have 4 red marks that look like healing scars that are there from trying to "cut myself" FML.


Hey, Its valentines day.

14.2.10

I remember I said to you, "The most important things, are the things that are hardest to say, This is why I mumble the important things" You smiled at me.

I want it to be summer.
I want to go to Wexford.
I want to walk around at night.
I want to look up at the vast night sky.
I want to sit around a bonfire.
I want to retell old stories.
I want to smile at the non funny bits in said stories.
I want to laugh loud at the funny bits.

I want to Re-live 6th year.
I want to ramble into school at 10.20 for the classes I liked.
I want to have the chance to come up with the most retarded excuses ever.
I want to sleep with my head on a desk.
I want to push Emmet away from the front of his locker,while someone pulls everything out of it.
I want to avoid doing P.e because I suck at football.
I want to sit around the table in Jo'jos with the lads.
I want to hear loud bangs and people shouting.
I want to see two 1st years run into each other, swing arms randomly and call it a fight.
I want to watch that lad hit your man in the face with his hurl, because he touched his bird's ass.
I want to walk out of class, to the smell of a stink bomb and go, "what's new?"
I want to get an inspirational speech, that comes from someone forgetting their book.
I want to hear Johnner talk about the plough in the stars.
I want to hear a girl get 35pts in the leaving and be happy.
I want to hear a girl asking in 6th year geography if the worlds really round.
I want to just do it again. The exam at the end would even be worth it.

I want to hear you to sing again.

I want to have to stay up to talk to you.
I want to have to lose my mind when we fall out.
I want to smile when you open the conversation with a heart.
I want to find out how you're day went, every day.
I want to be who you are. I might sometimes not agree with it. But I do love it.
I want to be reminding how you walked into my life.
I want to wait until the day everything fits into place.
I want that day to come fast though.

I want to hang around in the green again.
I want to walk to spar about 6 times a day.
I want to grow up with those people again. I loved it the first time. I want seconds.
I want to have more movie nights.
I want to hear spare change again.
I want to get kicked out of the CY.
I want to play bad football.
I want to hear Sam shout "nobody cares" through a mega phone.
I want to look forward to Friday nights, usually in Jeni's talking, ordering chinese.
I want to play that village game with Sam being the narrator.
I want to walk home and have the chats with people.
I want to laugh about how bullshit that lads stories are.
I want to look around and be happy that I found these people.

I want to get more memories.

11.2.10

Just to simplify things, I'm relating walking to accomplishing goals, The Goal being the destination.

I feel like I'm walking somewhere. Well not really walking, but I'm the kinda person who sets a goal. I never really abandon that goal. I complete nearly all my goals, I just never keep to a time frame. Call it being lazy, I just never like being restricted. I relate it to walking a a lot. Since I love to walk and clear my head. I thought the other day, right maybe I'll walk for a while, a journey I started years ago. Maybe eventually I'll get there. It doesn't matter to me how many side trips I'll find myself taking or being thrust upon me. Soon I know I'll be that little bit closer to deciding if the journeys even worth it. I thought it was until I came to this obstacle, while usually I'd say fuck this and get over/around/under/go through it. This one hit me and I couldn't quite just get past it, I've been on this walk such a long time, a little longer wont make much of a difference. I just said I know my destination, I'm just not there yet. I guess we'll just have to see how long it takes.


Another thing I wanted to talk about. Life time effecting choices.

My sister came out randomly the other morning with do you think "...... and ......." will get married? I gave her my opinion and she said something that got me thinking: it's weird everyone has best friends that you want to have for life. You never think that by having them there for life You also gain another person for life, I.e The person they marry. Or the multiple people they bring into your life until that time. Even the fact that having a friend for your life means you will probably have contact with that persons family for life, so what if their little brother/sister marries someone? You will know him/her all your life too. Eventually you gain a web of people that will be around you all your life. Assuming one doesn't become a complete and utter nutty fuckin' psycho and try kill their spouse with a home made bomb, some poison and a pig, or well y'know.. just cheat on them. I just find how easy we make relationships and have them attached to you is.
We are human beings, We live on relationships. We need them bonds. They make us feel good about ourselves and others. They help us move forward. "I'll make my stand, right here, with my friends"
I remember how when we were all young teenagers, You measured how close to someone you were by how many secrets you knew about them, Weather you earned them secrets through trust or not...
It's all silly now but back then it made a big difference.

All the memories that statement just brought back.

I'll say this now because of that; but I have no idea if you actually do read this but I have a feeling without even leaving a vague hint that only you might pick up on, you will get this is about you. As some people say my Blog is advertised on my Msn more or less. I ran into you the other day. I really didn't expect it. It was nice to see you. You told one of my favourite old stories about us. It always makes me laugh. We had some good times. Some seriously good times. Why did we grow apart? I guess I became self secluded and you got other friends. It doesn't matter to me much. I know if I bumped into you and we had a chat, I'd act as if it was just last week we hung out. I'd like to have one of them nights again. I'd like it a lot. That's my understatement of the year.

09.2.10

So today begins.

It's been a long time since I seen Seven am on my phone. Well, after being asleep and waking back up. Today starts my first day back in college after Christmas. Crazy to think I have been off for nearly two months. 13th of December to 9th of February. I'm in 9-2. Then work from 5-12.

I swear If I have to keep working 4 nights a week, I'll go nuts. I'm trying to change from Saturdays to Tuesdays, It means I lose for hour, but I'm cool with that. At the moment, I hate working 32 hour weeks. Especially when I was hit with a statistic in college, Any student who works more than 21 hours a week is 45% more likely to fail their exams or drop out. I'd like to see the statistic for 32 hours.

Well, Today should be eventful. I hope I get to see Eddy.


I'm home from college now, turns out Eddys not in on Tuesdays.

One of them really really embarrassing cringe worthy moments happened to me. A girl I thought I knew said Hi how are you? I half replied when I realised she was talking to the guy behind me, since I had half replied she still turned to look at me. I quickly realised, said "Sorry" and doubled my walking pace. Crinnngeeeeeee.

I also had a talk with someone today, kinda changed my perspective on something I thought was very wrong. I hate thinking about stuff from a second hand source. It becomes all about the "He said, she said" bullshit.

Now that I have said that, I remember Carpo singing that at metal Karaoke when we were out for Shauna's birthday. Best Night. Cant wait to go again sometime.
I miss these two people and Helina. Shauna moving to Dublin made me some new class mates. I'm going to be distraught when herself and himself move to Boston for three months during the summer. fuck life sometimes.

Kill The Beast.

I'm pissed off to no end. What the fuck is the point on some things?

The very loud earphones that I have definitely help. You know when you listen to music so loud that your parents always warn you that you will go deaf? Yeah that kinda music.

Seriously. Fuck. You.

I. Am. Trying.

08.2.10

If I could kidnap that feeling, the one that melts all fear's from your mind.
I'd make no demands, no ransom, because I'd never set it free.

07.2.10

Hi, I love you. I just wanted to tell you this.


Tonight was a good night :)

That is all.

05.2.10

So it's late(what's new?) I'm sitting in my room, just after chugging back a big load of tea like I do. My room's being re-painted today, more red onto red and more white onto white.

I've been putting off this blog for quite a while. I'm not sure why, maybe it was because I didn't really want to face reality. Right now, I can only face a small segment of the wider picture. I was not even consciously aware of the wider picture until I had "The Chatz" with my main lad Jay.

I know you're the kinda girl that is nosy enough to read this and not tell me, So I'll write this for you. I have no idea what I did to deserve being ignored. I really have no idea if I'm even being ignored. Socially, I guess not. In the wider picture, I guess so. It's been months since we grew apart. People say we were close because I liked you. I have no problem admitting I did like you a little, but I seen you as near enough one of my best friends as well. After a while. we started to grow apart, conversation was not what it used to be. We both blamed it on something that really wouldn't have meant shit if we both tried a little harder. Then I started to genuinely miss you being there at night to talk to. Always being awake at 4am sucked a little less when you were about. Simple conversation was for the win with you. When someone misses someone else they don't talk to any more they always think "did you miss me like I did you?" but from the way you're acting now I guess you didn't. I wouldn't go so far as to fall out with you over it in person but it does bother me a fair bit. I tried to confront you about it, but you ignored it. If you realised I am talking about you, then say it to me. I would like your side to my story. Fuck You Very Much

Another quick thing, If you force sex upon a prostitute is it rape, or shoplifting? ^ ^

04.2.10

So it's 4.21am. I always say I'm always awake. I want to sleep but I just can't right now.
Funny thing about being twenty I wanted to say "I'm full of teen angst" but sadly that saying does not apply to me any more.

Things on my mind, This wont make a lot of sense to people but I'm not arsed explaining.
With the Reform done and over with, only 3 weeks later than it should have been.
[RUN] Plays in [EpiC] Winning 7 Matches, And going up +48. Not bad for a days playing. Maybe we will start back playing in [RUN] soon.

I feel weird, Writing about this because, You know when you say "oh this songs amazing" then link people to it? Today I found a song by a girl that I actually love, The difference? she's a friend of a friend I guess so I feel weird plugging it on my face book. I do think it's class even if I can't for the life of me figure out the name of the song or who sings it. This is the Youtube channel. I'm not sure if the link will link to her channel or the song itself but the songs called "Hannah's song" http://www.youtube.com/user/corinibean#p/u/18/9Sb0kNZcfgM

Girls been talking to me all day. I like her. I'm just confused about what I want. I thought knew what I wanted. Today I realised I don't. I'd write more about it, but I'm running rings around myself in my head about it, I highly doubt my keyboard could keep up.

I need to learn how to drive.

Time for bed.

02.2.10

Work time again in 20 Minutes, I never realised how bad things were until someone asked me a question I never thought I would be asked by said person. Crazy how some things can alter your mind in a simple sentence.

I have a lot to think about tonight.

I have a lot to rant about also, all in due time.

You might think differently but you are still on my mind, girl.

Chase Music.