Tumblr.

I've kinda made a private blog on tumblr for the moment. I don't feel like I can say much on this that won't get back to others. I'll use tumblr for a while and I might transfer it over when I'm finished with it.

Don't sell us tomorrow, if your're gonna change today.

It's been a while since I've blogged.

When it comes to Christmas I get shit loads of college stuff to do and I feel kinda guilty about blogging when I could be typing work. It's the same as reading a book for enjoyment when I could be researching something. I always feel guilty. I hate it.

Since I've not written a post with anything actual substantial in it in quite a while I think It's safe to say, life is boring. I found really that my life is not boring. It's fucking Christmas for fuck sake.

There's a few things different about this year though. I've a job. I'm actually happy and Excited for this year. The last thing thats different is that, I've a girl. I don't mean in the ownership way. I just mean, I've never been seeing anyone, during the time of Christmas, I've started the day after sure but it's not the same thing.

It's just different. Sure were probably not gonna spend it together or anything but it's nice to just have someone to be happy with in the time when I'm usually happiest in the year.

A traitor on the inside.

This is bullshit. My eyes feel like they are on fire. My feet hurt. My brains gonna fucking implode from over-thinking if I don't sleep. I just know I won't sleep though and I know why.

I think it's time for us to take a chance. I still don't know what's going on. Everything seemed so, going to plan. It's amazing how things change day to day. I just feel like this is some kind of test. Not one placed by you on myself but one for myself. You probably wont understand this but it doesn't really matter.

Number Game.

I played this numbers game on facebook the other day, I never got around to answering them all. I just wanted to see who would mail me. I enjoyed thinking back. I enjoyed the little game and stuff. This is what I said and the numbers. ♥

150 - I've Always loved you since our first conversation. I have so many of your messages on old phones. I could say so many nice things about you as i've done so many times before. You are by far, the best drunk. Ever.

69- I knew you of all people would pick this number. Nearly a year since I've seen you now. Thats kinda fucking ridiculous at this stage. I miss our late night chats. :(

133 - You're a fucking douche and I hate you. But you're my douche. I'm gonna keep you for a very long time.

412- You always just come into my life, for about 48 hours then fly right back out for another while. It's crazy. We talk very little these days but your still one of them people I'll always kinda feel close to? I know that if i ever need to be warmed up, to go to you because you'll always have tea with you :D

10 - The best lad I've met in '10 I love our drunken chats and our gay antics. If anyman was the one for me, it'd be you ;)

103 - Talk about a history with someone. We've got pretty much no contact anymore. I can wait though. I always have waited and I always will be waiting for when you need me again. The girl I can just talk to after so so long as it would be as if I seen her yesterday. Best girl ♥

86 - Physically you're so far away. but really, I always keep you close. I love you girl. ♥

1 - You've no idea how much this number applies to you right now. You've also no idea how quick I'm running out of new nice things to say about you as the days go by. We talk to much and I wouldn't want it any other way.

333 - Never has someone been responsible for a worse hangover than you.. Absynth(spelling?) hurts like a mother fucker. I have a funny SS for you actually. I'll send you later :)

270 - one of my fondest memories ever will always be the both of us sitting in the freezing cold listening to music from my mp3 player. Using is as an excuse to get closer to you. You are such a babe. I love you. Christmas drinks? ♥

‎32 - I actually think you are mad easy to talk to. There was never any of that new person awkwardness when we started talking. I liked that :D

23 - I remember all the things you used to slag me off with, every chance you get you'd take a shot at me. I always laughed so hard at them. I still look back to them days with great bit smile. You better get back into it. If not I'll be sad :(

11 - You will always be my little baba. I remember way back when it all started with us. such a long time ago. but I love thinking back. :D

Tonights the night.

I rule the night and I need no help.

Today was fun, I spent most of the day sleeping. considering I got 3 hours sleep on saturday night and then had work the next day, It really was not fun. I got up, and done college work. Then I done what I usually do, I game.

It was unreal, I haven't really had anything to consider a memorable game in quite a while. I had some nice games of halo with jay the last two weeks. Tonight was different.

I played a game of LoL that lasted 75 minutes. Most games last around 30 minutes. I love gaming, it's one thing I've very passionate about. Playing with 4 others, and having to play together. I love it.

Caught between a rock and a very hard place.

I've been posting about being happy lately. I am happy.

I'm happy today especially, because well, I've been wondering where we are going, what does the future have for us? I want it to have something, anything at all, to do with you. I want it because, well I'll be happy once you're in that future. I told you today, I was always afraid you wouldn't have been on the same track as me, or when I told you that you'd have other plans. I was afraid. I'm not anymore and it feels amazing. You've been wanting me to say something about you in this for a while. I am unsure why. This is it I guess. You're out cold right now, I don't think I'l text you tonight. I think you need your sleep. This isn't as much as I'd like to say. I'll tell it all sometime, but for now, the secrets in the telling. whenever that is

Serious contemplation of dropping out going on...

All for one, and one for all.

I don't care what anyone says, these days distance means nothing.

I was sitting here, and I heard a song, The song has nothing to do with what came to mind apart from the fact it was just a love song, all be it one of my favourites.

I'll start with what first brought me to write this post. I've this friend, and this friends got this girl. This girls got this place thats far from my friend. My friends going to go to this place and he's gonna be with his girl. My friend and his girl are gonna be happy.

I just got this picture of my friend and his girl on some sofa in her far away place and hes spawled out on a couch or sofa and shes leaning against him and they are just happy.

This friend and I go way back, infact I was thinking about it in work, that we're gonna still be friends in all them years from now and even if this friend goes to this far away place and decides to be with his girl. I'll be alright with that. I just decided that I needed something to look forward to. I needed something that's not gonna be easy to do. I maybe jumped the mother fucking gun a bit but, I decided, that well, I'm gonna be the one to you know, do the best man speech at his wedding. I don't know if it's gonna be to this girl or not, Only time will really tell with that one. I kinda hope it is, but shush.

PewPew.

I've been thinking alot lately, and my minds not really gonna let myself sleep untill I have it out of my head.

If I could reply to to what you just asked me, my answer would actually just be "You" Then I'd sleep like a baby.

It actually feels like I've the biggest Vagina ever tonight. Sexism and all aside, that was just my descriptive term that came to mind.

I got interupted writing this, now I lack the will to finish it. Meh.

For starters

It's december. It's nearly christmas. It's snowing like fuck. I'm happy. I'm actually just really happy lately. I don't know weather it's a certain someone, or if it's a combination of things. I just know I'm happy to stay like this for a while. Just float.

State of affairs.

I don't know exactly what to write here anymore. I'm very indecisive. I've become very hesitant. I've put myself out there a few times, under the guise of trying to change what I'm like. People say you'll never get anywhere hiding away. I try, and it doesn't work. I hate this.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm feeling very sorry for myself the last few days.

All I hear are things that people, are saying to cheer me up. In the end just bring me down and make me think more about it.

I love this song. People will not get the video as they have not seen the series but yeah :D

I find it retarded that I've been telling myself all week I'm not gonna get attached. I'm not gonna just let it happen because nothing ever becomes of it. I realised the other night that nothing will probably become of this because I just simply cannot compete.

I know I haven't done anything differently. It's simply just someone else has gotten your attention and you seem more than happy to give it to them. Sound for it babe.

I really wanted this to be a longer post. I just am not comfortable bitching this general subject anymore.

Time well spent or wasted?

I'm sitting here wondering weather I should go visit my grandad or not on my way to fionnuala's for can's with people. It's not that I don't like him or anything, I just have a problem with some of his views, particularly racism and stuff. When we were smaller, he used to come around every sunday for breakfast after mass. I used to go to mass every Sunday until I reached first year. Then the choice was given to me. I chose to stop. It got boring. I lost faith once I started to question everything. ect ect. That's a post for another day. Well, soon after, my grandad stopped coming around on sundays. My parents say he wanted to see would we visit him. I guess we(by we I mean my brother, sister and I) never really did. Well he didn't take this so well, given I can walk to his house within 3 minutes. I never really had any excuse not to see him. He stopped visiting, so gradually he grew further and further away. I've tried going around to him weekly and stuff but, I've no idea how to keep up a conversation with him one like I spend any kinda prolonged period of time with him. It's hard.

I guess this all comes from the fact that, Even for my 21st birthday. He just put my card in the letter box, and never rang or anything. I got ninja'd by my grandad O.o
I have a problem with this. My twenty first birthday was the first birthday that I actually was looking forward to and got excited about since I was 14. I just have a problem because he wouldn't even come in and see me. He wouldnt knock at the door and hand me the card. Yet he expects me to go sit with him for I don't know how long on a regular basis? I don't know.

Am I being horrible over something I shouldn't be? I know I'm not right. I'm just between being in the middle and being wrong. It's just how far along. I don't really know.
He should stop being such a stubborn man.

I guess I hold a grudge against him for something he done a long time ago. That is actually family business so I won't discuss it. I just I don't know. I just needed to Vent.

Family is important. I know this. I just..think it's been too long.

I wonder where we are? I don't mean that in any sense of physical sense. I mean that, In the relationship we have, that could be somewhere between, Enjoyment of each others texting skills to friendship, to friendship with the hopes of going further. Where do we stand on this dotted line in my head? I've no idea.

So It's common between most teenagers that when they get a new number they start to text the person on the other end of this number, a fair amount. It sometimes that happens that one side becomes interested in the other and they like to text and talk to that person. They might now know how that other person feels about the same situation that they are both in. Some might think, that by it being ongoing and it lasting for a good while that there is a reason for this. It could just be that they like talking to each other. Maybe they are interested in each other. Who knows. The question I've been thinking about the last few days is that say one person in this arrangement likes the other, but the other would rather stay friends. Is it wrong for the interested party to no longer want to talk to this person after they've been half rejected? They lose interest and they don't talk as much. Is this unfair on the non interested party? I really don't know.

This blog is going to be short, simple and dedicated.

I turned twenty one as of 12am last night.

It's made me think alot about life. I thought about college, working and where I wanna go in my life.

Then I fucked the entire train of thought out of my head and decided to live in the now.

This is what I would have said as my speech for my birthday If I had time to htink without being intoxicated.

I believe that a person or group of people are the sum of how they treat the people around them.
Last night, made me think that people are molded and shaped by the people around them.
My life was made last night. I've never been so happy with my life.
I know this is because of the people who came out to celebrate with me.
My friends and family are brought me into this world. They are there every day and they make life worth living.

I love everyone that's in my life. Twenty one years of joy.

This thing we've got going.

The more I use my msn, I find that you tried while I was at work to do something nice for me.

I know we don't always get along. I know we even go to great lengths to show our dislike more than our like for each other. I know your not the complete thick that you let on to be sometimes. I know you're a decent lad just trying to make your way. You've already gone against the odds and proved people wrong. I know your friends respect and love you and honestly that says a lot. I don't care what some people say about you. They hardly know you. I know you, I might not show it. I just act like your just around. I just don't know sometimes man. I'll try harder.

Sometimes, you fight for something when it'd be easier to give up and accept what's being forced upon you.

Sometimes you decide that something is worth fighting for, whatever the price it comes at.

I chose the latter a few months ago and it has cost me many depressive moods and sleepless nights. I'm proud I managed to stand my ground against someone who knows exactly what to say to get past every defense I can muster around myself. Now the reason I did all this seems to have betrayed itself and I'm left just wondering.

Facing my failure, facing my loneliness, facing the fact I live a lie. Yes, I live a lie tell you why, I'm always preaching not to be numb when that's how I thrive. I pretend to create and observe when I really detach from feeling alive.

Hey cowardice, What's up?

I don't know whats worse, the fact that you still act like I don't exist or that I can't find the courage to confront you about it.

In other news this week, I've again become a great big gigantic DOUCHE. Sorry about that.

The past, still present.

I've always found it funny that, technology can change everything. The lads came down to mine on Tuesday night to watch some tv and have some pizza. Something we've not done since the start of the summer. I'd ramble off more about how much I missed the lads and how it annoys that we don't get much of a chance to hang out anymore but i wont. Eddy's phone has been broken for the very long time now, and he hasnt had free texts so he asked could I see what was wrong with my old nokia, I checked but while checking my drawer of what is usually "no return" for such things as phones, chargers and the like. I found both my old phone, and my mp3 player I got for my last birthday off my parents. I thought I lost that mp3. I need to keep track of things more I think. I usually know where everything is at any given time, My room like what most teenagers would call an "organized mess". I like the fact that I packed my mp3 full of pictures so I wouldn't lose them. I love looking back and stuff.

On this phone that I had rummaged out to give to eddy, I found messages from someone, written a long time ago. The earliest dating back to 1/09/2007. These messages meant that I'd probably not want to part with the phone and I realised why I never through it away.

Reading back through all these messages, I realised that I had once, something amazing with someone who was not important to me in the way that most people my age find people to be important. She's not of the same blood as me, she's not family. She's just a girl I randomly started to talk to one day, that eventually became what she is today. having said "I had once" I actually meant I still have. Things between me and this girl sometimes go through rough patches, which are not really that bad because, no matter how dark and bleak this tunnel is that we have found ourselves in, we know theres light at the end of it. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, it doesn't matter how shit it feels to be in said tunnel, We just know that one day, we will get there. Together, us, eventually. It doesn't matter. Everything is going to be alright. I could go on telling the world, how amazing this girl is, how much I love and care about her. Some things are meant to be private so I think specifics should be between us. I just wrote this to remind her of what we've got, and what I never want to give up.

I'm burning down your house just to get you out.
An arsonist disguised as an outcast and it's all too much for me to take.

Girls, how I hate thee.

I won't listen to your words or let them prey on my mind.

My life in lines.

I guess if you asked me where I am in life right now, I'd not have much to say, but here I'll try get as much out as I can.

College started this week. It's the same as it always is, pointless. I mean I love the people and the classes are not like retardedly boring. They are just few and far inbetween. Monday, I've got to be in for two hours. Tuesday, six hours. Thursday, two hours. THATS IT. It's annoying like. I like the time off, who wouldn't but when it comes to trying to get to be outside of college friends with people it's hard. I mean we all said we'd go out more this year. Which has already started happening. I've just no money.

I watched part of the DCU Iron Stomach competition on tuesday. It was probably one of the most disgusting thing's I've ever had the joy of a laying my eyes on. They had to drink 2ltrs of milk from a beer bong. They had to eat a full stick of butter and then they had to eat chilli sauce off the end of a tampon. I know the tampon isn't that bad. It's just what it symbolizes I guess.
I seen all this, then went to eat my dinner. I don't know how. I just had to eat as I skipped breakfast and wouldnt have a chance to eat for another 4-5 hours. It was definitely something worth seeing though.

A few people I know have started college this year, some in DCU, some in other colleges. I'm happy because most of these live far away. This at least gives me a chance to see them while they are going to or from college. It's working out pretty well so far.

A few people have been at me about staying lately. Even more so than usual. My excuse is that I'm broke. I'm paying for college myself. I was saving all summer, but some weeks I couldn't save what I needed to save, I'd either put in nothing, or just a little. Now, I'm short so much that I barely got bye even with the money I could borrow. I've to just re-pay what I did borrow. It's still a fairly significant amount. I'm going to try to get out, and spend as little as I can. Probably the best plan. It's getting to the point where I feel that I'm losing the closeness I had with some people because I can't see them or anything. The spare cash I do have is mostly used in going to and from college. It's a shit feeling alright.

Away from the complete downer that was the rest of this post, the bright side of life includes that I'm talking to some people that I've not spoken to in a very long time. It's nice because it feels like it's the same old you and it's the same old me. The conversations about old times, the "old days" as most call it. It's funny because they do feel old. I've got my birthday in a little over 3 weeks.

I'm going 21. TWENTY FUCKING ONE. Holy shit.. I really just want everyone to show up. Leave their arguments and misgivings at the door and have a good time. I need to plan more for it because as of right now, and the less than good relationship lately with my sister I've no idea what's going on. Aidan doesn't know What's up. -.-

Next thing on my mind, You. You will know who you are. I'm actually so ridiculously disgusted by you. It's not even funny. I hope I don't have to see you anytime in the near future to anytime in the far away future. If for some reason I will be made walk down the same street as you at the same time. I will probably just look at the ground. You don't deserve any better.

I don't have much else to say for now.

For no man, no cause, no war because there no cause is greater than life.
Life is here with my friends and family.
When I was alone, my return was all I dreamed of.
Now the reality of being home, is greater than any dream.
To you my fellow travelers I will carry you always, in my heart of hearts.
If we perish, we do so as one.
Because it is with my friends and family I will stay until the end.
The ghost of what I was, will haunt me no longer.
For now I know that I am loved. I am free. - Telemicas Radea.

It's time to keep moving with this blog.

Where to start?

I guess things are changing. I am never a fan of change. Especially when It's not on my own terms.

Give no quarter, for you shall receive none.

Love, loyalty and betrayal.

Loyalty is an amazing thing. to be able to count on someone when you need them. To pledge you allegiance to something or someone, to an idea that you believe is bigger than yourself.

Theres an feint glow of light in the room, surrounded by bloody corpses, discarded swords and remnants of broken armour two combatants who have fought side by side and back to back for near on one hundred years stood recovering from what had just ensued. They were there when the kingdom they lived in, the society they swore an oath to uphold, protect and police fell. Two hundred years of their lives they had given to it's protection and It took one night for it all to just ceased to exist. Betrayed by someone feigning loyalty. Now this women is a tyrant. In a society that never ages, tyranny is an atrocity.

Something was different about tonight, it was as if they had been here before. They had, the planning, the disguises, the execution of the plan, It had all worked as before but something had always given the tyrant prior warning and she escaped from the justice she deserved. She knew her perusers were too good. She'd never be able to keep them away forever.

She sat there. at the top of the room, most guards dead and those not, had ran for their lives. That's the thing about men who give their loyalty out of fear. When the fear of their opponent outweighs the fear of their master, they will run, they run as if hell is behind them ready to swallow them whole. Her gaze was unyielding, her eyes were emerald green and her blonde hair shined in the light that came from two blazing fires on either side of her throne. her posture made her look as if she was composed of stone, she had no fear of had just happened.

The older of the men, while they both looked in their late twenties the older was in fact nearly 50 years the senior of his comrade. He approached the throne sword in hand staring at the woman before him. Teim, the younger man began to follow Orran, the older man to the throne when Orran turned his blade on Teim, Arm out stretched ready to defend the woman behind him. Teim looked in his friends eyes, and their it was, something he'd never seen before. Hatred. Hatred that burned so fiercely in his eyes it looked as if it could come to life and evelope Teim inside it.

"Why are you defending her?" Teim shouted.

"How can I not? Love demands such things" Orran shouted back.

They were but 10 feet apart but their chests released so much energy that every word became manifest of their emotion.

"Love? how can love demand such things? She is an abomination. She is everything that is wrong with the world" Teim retorted.

"Love demands we put others before ourselves. We must fight to keep it alive" Orran tried to sound just.

"How can you love her? After all she's done to us. After everyone she's hurt, killed and enslaved" Teim's voice began to break as he remembered it all instantly in his head

"It's now how can I love her, I've loved her for so long It's how can I not love her?"

"I don't understand, what are you talking about?" Teim sounded baffled.

"You've always asked me, how could we have been so blind? how could all we care about just fall in one night. We done nothing, we didn't fight, we didn't have a chance to defend what we loved. You're wrong. You never had a chance. You were where I sent you. Some farm far out on the edge of the kingdom. I was at court. I fought for what I loved that night, I fought with my heart thumping, my arm swinging as if it coudln't be stopped. The coup d'état that had started with her, and ended with me, my sword plunged within the kings chest, I've loved her all this time."

"You.. you can't have done this, it's madness. The man I've fought all these years with was the betrayer of everything. It makes me sick that I had never known. Why fight? why fight with me to restore what you helped to destroy?"

"That doesn't matter anymore! It's here and now that matters. We stand here. You are here to take the life of all that I have left to love, and I've to stop you. It's that simple"

"It's never that simple!"

The sound of metal striking metal echoed around the room once more, they began to fight, it was elegant. It was ruthless but most of all it was even. Every blow was met with a parry and after every parry was a counter blow. The metal swords were being struck against each other harder than they had ever been struck before. This was it, it ended tonight. Orran would win and kill any hope for a restored kingdom or Teim would win and his best friend and mentor would be dead and he'd be alone.
Both warriors were tiring, they had just fought past guard after guard once they had entered the castle. now they faced each other, knowing how each fights, his style his very being that comes out through the use of his sword. Orran managed to force Teim off balance as he pushed him over the corpse of a soldier that had probably died for nothing. He disarmed Teim and forced him to his knee's. he stood over him with his sword to Teims neck, any more pressure and the tip would force blood. The woman that sat behind the combatants shrieked with excitement, she had won. She had finally won. She rose up and walked to her lover. she put her head over the back of his shoulders and kissed him on the cheek.

"I always knew you'd come back to me, You left me all those years ago but I knew, kill him and be done with it"

"Get away from me woman!, You know nothing of this. You will never understand"

She backed away, fear taking control, she placed her faith in the fact that he'd never stopped loving her, now she fears she was wrong.

He turned his attention back to Teim, the hatred was at its apex and then it changed, he dropped his sword and stood there and stared into the eyes of his friend. then he began to move towards the door, as if nothing happened.

"I give up, Teim do what you came here to do" he said as he walked

Teim had already gotten to his feat and replaced his grip around the hilt of his sword, he dashed forward and placed it into the small of Orrans back.

"BETRAYER, I will not let you leave"

"I surrender" Orran said, he had not expected Teim to pick him, over killing the queen. If you could call the tyrant that, but If you capture me alive, I will escape, You know I will"

He used this time and hesitation in Teim to turn around, the sword now pointing into his stomach.

Teim raised it and placed it over Orrans heart.

"If you decide to play Judge, jury and executioner with a man that has surrendered than you will be rendering everything you've fought for the last two hundred years and everything you will rebuild with this restored kingdom meaningless. If I had killed you, the world would mourn the loss of a great man, one the last few defenders of justice and giver of hope to the people. If you kill me, then a great man will get to mourn the loss of his soul and you don't want to do that..I swear to god.. you don't want to..." he pressed forward, moving the sword that bit harder into his chest.

"That's what happened to you. You lost your soul... You lost your soul"

"Ofcourse I lost my soul, I've spent the last two hundred years trying to reclaim it, piece it back together by fighting all the injustice I created. The poverty, the enslavement, the torture and the killings. I STARTED IT. I had to choose between the two things I loved, The woman who shared my bed, who laughed at my jokes and spoke to my soul like no other, or the society that I was born and raised to defend, to protect and care for. In one night, one choice, one single act of insanity changed everything. I chose her he flung his arm forward with his finger out stretched at the woman who had sat back in her throne. This vile temptress and harlot. I lost my soul because of her..."

Teim realized that Orran had hatred in his eyes, but the hatred was not for the Queen nor for Teim. It was for himself, he honestly hated every fibre of his own being. He regretted his mistake more than anything else he could ever do. Teim looked at the shell of what had been once a great awe inspiring man and felt a pang of sorryness.

He released his muscles that kept his blade on his friends heart. "I will not lose my soul killing you, I'm not ready..to sacrifice my soul. Not for you" he then began to walk toward the doors.

"so this is how it ends?"Orran said, in a voice barely audible over his own whimpering.

Teim was so fast that she didn't have time to move. He bent down, picked up a dagger from his ankle spun around so fast and threw it. Thud. That was the sound of it penetrating her heart and embedding itself in the back of hardwood throne. She died in the place she took from those who deserved it.

"No, this is how it begins"

"Hey"

"Hey, how are you?"

"I'm good, you?"

"Yeah, I'm alright. Wrecked though"

"Hey, feel like catching up?"

"Sure, if you're around you can stall it down"

"Can we just go out for a walk? It's cold, lashing and the wind can't possibly mess up my hair more than it already is"

"Sure, usual place? Be there in 10 :) "

These. Make. My. Life.

The man with the lions heart.

They walk side by side, laughing, smiling. Happy to just be within the presence of each other. She says something, they both break into a fit of laughter.

They start to walk forward, suddenly he grabs her hand, she's caught in the motion of him spinning her around to face him.

He stares and her, blankly, his eyes start to water he takes a deep breath. This is all the hope and courage he can muster. "I'm the gambler"

She smiles, she doesn't know what's coming.

"I believe in giving this a chance" he says while trying to keep her stare locked.

Her smile slowly dissipates and her shiny blue eyes, glow from the white behind them.

She finally realizes what he means, "You mean us?" she says, her mouth moving slowly as if unsure how to form the lip movement in order for the sound to come out coherently.
"No we can't, this isn't something I can give up.."

He cuts her off, his voice filled with the confidence needed, this was no time to falter. "No, don't do that, that is no reason.."

He grabs her waist pulling closer. He kisses her, she smiles and kisses back. It feels like this was always coming, just they never quite knew when to be ready for it.

She suddenly breaks it off, "No we can't. Just no"

"Why?... Why?" he says, his voice getting shaky, all the hope he had, was beginning to die.

She says "You think you're protecting me, but really you're the one that needs protecting"

"Protecting? his voice becoming serious and mundane. Protecting from what?

Her voice wells up. she begins to cry. "From me....I, I don't have your lions heart"

He tries again, he begins to plead "Just give it a chance, please.. It's all I'm asking"

No, she exclaims, she's regretting the thoughts that are sitting on the to of her brain, just waiting to become words that might just destroy something amazing

"You said it yourself, The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again expecting a different outcome"

He's starting to get angry, he took a leap of faith here. Hoping to make his life better, hoping to start something might just last for life.. "lets just go for a different outcome then, hear me out alright? You know when you talk to older couples? Who have been in love for Thirty, Fourty, Fifty years. It's always the guy who says I knew" She's starting to take in breaths, she doesn't know what to say. The rush of everything is so fast. Her heart is beating, Her heart is thumping. "I knew" he repeats "right from the beginning" she's shaking her head, denying what's being said to her. her tears and overflowing. Her attempts at holding them back have become redundant. "I'm that guy. I'm your guy, I know"

She's panting, she's looking at him, while he's throwing everything he has at her just for the chance she might let him in, that she might return what he's let out to her tonight. "I'm not a gambler" She says to him, "I don't have your kind of heart, I can't change. I don't know how" He's staring at her, he can't handle what she's saying. It's killing him to hear the words that she's saying. "I don't know how" she says again finally after a few seconds gap while tears are still slowing down her cheeks.

His mouth is hanging open. He exhales as if he's letting everything out. He finds a near by wall, and leans his back against it. He hangs is head and takes a deep breath in, trying to regain his stature.

"you're right" he says "you're right" She stands beside him. tears flowing softer now, she looks at him, can we still be friends?" she asks. He turns his head. He's no longer staring at her. It's like his watery eyes are trying to see what's under her soft skin. He looks away. Then he looks up to the sky, trying to figure out what to do, what to say. She's looking at him, waiting for the reply, one last tear streams down her cheek. She hasn't blinked, she's hesitant. She clearly loves this guy, she probably cares about him more than she knows yet. She just isn't ready.

slowly, he begins to nod, once, then twice more. "Yeah, we can" She lets out a little smile, "thank you.." he turns to her, takes a deep breath "but I've got to move on..I've got to find someone who's going to love me, in thirty years, fourty or fifty"

She moves off the wall, he begins to walk forwards hands in his pockets. she walks beside him, she lets her body bump into his as they walk. They turn their heads to each other. they smile, She links her arm in his, leans her head on his shoulders as they walk. They just keep walking..

I love late night conversations. Conversations that show you're actually talking to the person you're conversing with. No "how are you?" type stuff with the basic replies. I mean when one person genuinely cares about the welfare of the receiver of the question. You've been a big a part of my life as I've been of yours since you entered my life all those years ago. It's been years. It really doesn't seem it. I'll be you're rock for as long as you are in need. This is what I am. I don't care if your from here, from there or from anywhere. Home is where the heart is. You've got your heart in all the right places. It's all I care about.

I really wish you'd throw your pride aside and show your friends some faith.
Maybe I'm not asking for a lot, maybe I am but really I'm just asking for you to let me in. It's like I'm standing at a door I can't break down by force. I've no intention of hurting what you're guarding with this impregnable barrier. I just want to put back something I took a long time ago.


It's late night and a man stands under the bright light of a fully engaged street lamp on the corner of a housing estate. He's got sweat dripping from his furrowed brow. He's got his heart set on the upcoming moment. Fists clenched. It's going to be intense. It's going to be when he let's everything go...

It's getting later, the weathers starting to deteriorate, the wind getting the chill. Where was the moment? It's not usually this long in the wait.

Footsteps crunching the twigs and fragile branches in the grass a few feet away. This is it, it's here... He's here.

Shoulders widen. Intimidation is everything. It all comes down to this. This is the moment that could save it all, this is the moment that could seal it all away forever.

I just needed to say "I can't......."

No expectations, No Disappointments. - I wish I could live like this.

People say you only live once, but they are as wrong about that as they are about everything.


In the darkest moments before dawn, a woman returns to her bed. What life is she leading?
Is it the same life she was leading a half hour ago? A day ago? A year ago? Theres a man in her bed. Who is this man? Do the lead separate lives or is it a life shared?

She says "Do you love me?"
He muffles a reply "I do love you"

A storm approaches, it's still over the horizon but there is lightning in the air. Are either of them aware of the gathering turbulence? Can they feel the crackle of elecricity in the wind or are they only aware of the power they generate between themselves.

You love someone, you open yourself up to suffering, that's the sad truth. Maybe they'll break your heart, maybe you'll break their heart and never be able to look at yourself in the same light. Those are the risks. That is the burden. If life teaches anything it's that you have to take the good with the bad, take the risks that could lead to happiness or sadness. When life is good hold onto it for all it's worth. When things get you down, hold you're chin up because another thing that life teaches us is that nothing, not the good or the bad, will last forever.

You all want to lose yourself in another person.
You believe love is transcendent and eternal.
I want to believe that too.

The question on my mind, tonight is the following:

Is it worth it to fight for someone, who will not fight for you?

Who are you fighting for?

I clicked the new post button. It's been a while.

It's been a turbulent few weeks/months.
I kinda stopped writing here because, I use this as an outlet to talk to myself.
It's usually about people. There's no sense in writing about people who probably don't want me discussing them here. Given attitudes towards me. I'll do the smart thing and just not get into it here.

Let me re-introduce myself as a man with a cause. I've had alot of time to think and to look at who we are. I've got nothing left to say. We've just got to carry on.

Today, I realised that I don't stand a chance out of my bubble. I'm just not capable.

Highs and lows.

Tonight someome asked me "What would make you happy and smile un controllably right now?"

I instantly knew what would do it, and I smiled so much.

I shortly realised it's not going to happen. I spent the night feeling like shit after.

I don't actually know where I stand with you. I was told I done wrong by you again.

I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND. Just talk to me about it please...

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

It's 2:45 the baby takes his 1st breath
the mother never knew he only had a few left
and the father gets a call in the middle of the night
his breath gets short and his chest gets tight

But he's 16 and he's driving too fast
takes a turn to the left, it would be his last
Nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right
Nobody in the car would've died that night

But he's 32 and invincible
the cancer he had, it was visceral
he never saw it coming
thought he had his whole life
sick in the morning and he died in the night

We're all so
We're on the line
We're all
We're all [oh]
We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted

He's 7 years old, got his bat in his hand
he's looking for his father and he doesn't understand
'cause dad's too busy, got some deals on the way
his son sits alone as the children play

And he's 18 he couldn't wait to move out
his parents wonder what all the rush is about
they never bothered with his dreams only thinking of theirs
wonders why he doesn't call and why he doesn't care

But he's 32 and invincible with
everything he is based on principle
he never had a truly happy moment in his life
he didn't want the kids and he didn't want his wife

23 now, got his life in his hands
he's looking all around and he doesn't understand
'cause life's too busy, things get in the way
we all feel alone every single day

and I'm 18 and couldn't wait to move out
it's been five years and now I'm starting to doubt
whether all my dreams are just aimless stares
looking off to someplace that isn’t there

when I'm 32 well I'll be miserable with
everything around based on principle
well, i have a clue, oh wouldn't it be nice
to never be alone in this wasted life

We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no
We're all wasted

Look, I know that I've been a shitty friend. I Guess, I'm just happy that you guy's still want me around. Tonight was great. I plan to do it more. I've not heard people have such laughs in a long time as I've heard tonight. It was really class. I love you guys.

My familys away for the week. I'm kinda lonely.

So I took some time today to see my Grandad. It's been a while. so much of a while that, I see my uncle who lives in New York more than I see my Grandad who lives no more than a 3 minute walk away from my house. I just don't agree with some of his views. He's still family though. Home is where the heart is. I believe this.

In a past blog, I wrote : Truth is, no one, keeps family and home, as close as they should.

Feeding the beast.

I kinda guess, I'm in fear of losing my job. Everything is my fault when something goes wrong.
I don't know why, I guess it's because I don't get on with everyone, like everyone else does. I get along with my boss though which is what counts. My assistant manage hasn't spoken to me in over a month. My boss is nice though, When I'm not losing him money by fucking something up. Even if it's not money, I lose "time" which is just as valuable in my job I guess.
I decided that I'd have to do something I never planned on doing. Talking people out of their money. I know very well that the only reason I have my job is because "I have a lovely phone voice" When I answer the phones and I've "great" customer interaction. I'm not being big headed, Or atleast trying not to be. It's just that's what I'm told by people and my boss. I decided I'd get back whatever I lose for my boss by selling to others. Preying on gluttony. I feel disgusting doing it. I guess I just value my job too much.

Over and out.

I guess, when you've been asking yourself, how you feel about someone, over and over because well, you can't quite figure it out. I mean, Because the indecision is there. I guess it means that there is a chance. Well, tonight I got one of those "Pangs" of jealousy when she said something about some lad.


THIS IS NOT COOL.

I hope you dance 'till you burn. You and you're little bit.

I've got a theory we should work this out.

I've got a theory that this will never work out.

I've got a theory that I'm wasting my life on something pointless.

You doubt how much I care. Why should I care when you doubt it so much?
We've been here. We've been there. We've been everywhere but where we need to be.

Where's my 50!?

26.449 kills.

24.737 deaths.

This is Halo three.

I actually find it so ridiculous that I've killed twenty six thousand, four hundred and forty nine people in this game. kinda, goes to show how much time I spend at somethings. I guess I just love playing with the lads.

Lyrical empathhyyyyy.

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers.
It's time to go to war.
This is a battle song.
Brothers and sisters, It's time to go to war.
______________________________________

And don't be surprised if you feel so alive,
wait inside just hold on tight you'll be fine, you'll be fine.
______________________________________

Bonds were made, Bonds broken.
We four lads, We made the moment
We jumped, crashed and swung for the feeling.
______________________________________

My Life is a constant work in progress,
and I wouldn't have it any other way.
______________________________________

Here we lay again
On two separate beds
Riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
And pictures drawn from memory
We reflect on miscommunications
And misunderstandings
And missing each other too
Much to have had to let go
______________________________________

It’s possible to love someone
And not treat them in the way that you want
______________________________________

The changing times of the 21st century
Means nothing to me cos I would rather be
At the beginning of time, earth would be mine
Living in luxury
Discovering a world out there
Believing in the sun earth water and air
Take me there so I could see the world bloom
Standing on a sea cliff howling at the moon
______________________________________

Talking to god.

I know what you’re thinking. How the hell did you know it was god?

Well, I’ll explain as we go along, but basically he convinced me by having all, and I do mean ALL, the answers. Every question I flung at him he batted back with a plausible and satisfactory answer. In the end, it was easier to accept that he was god than otherwise.

Which is odd, because I’m still an atheist and we even agree on that!

It all started on the 8.20 back from Paddington. Got myself a nice window seat, no screaming brats or drunken hooligans within earshot. Not even a mobile phone in sight. Sat down, reading the paper and in he walks.

What did he look like?

Well not what you might have expected that’s for sure. He was about 30, wearing a pair of jeans and a “hobgoblin” tee shirt. Definitely casual. Looked like he could have been a social worker or perhaps a programmer like myself.

‘Anyone sitting here?’ he said.

‘Help yourself’ I replied.

Sits down, relaxes, I ignore and back to the correspondence on genetic foods entering the food chain…

Train pulls out and a few minutes later he speaks.

‘Can I ask you a question?’

Fighting to restrain my left eyebrow I replied ‘Yes’ in a tone which was intended to convey that I might not mind one question, and possibly a supplementary, but I really wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. ..

‘Why don’t you believe in god?’

The Bastard!

I love this kind of conversation and can rabbit on for hours about the nonsense of theist beliefs. But I have to be in the mood! It’s like when a jehova’s witness knocks on your door 20 minutes before you’re due to have a wisdom tooth pulled. Much as you’d really love to stay… You can’t even begin the fun. And I knew, if I gave my standard reply we’d still be arguing when we got to Cardiff. I just wasn’t in the mood. I needed to fend him off.

But then I thought ‘Odd! How is this perfect stranger so obviously confident – and correct – about my atheism?’ If I’d been driving my car, it wouldn’t have been such a mystery. I’ve got the Darwin fish on the back of mine – the antidote to that twee christian fish you see all over. So anyone spotting that and understanding it would have been in a position to guess my beliefs. But I was on a train and not even wearing my Darwin “Evolve” tshirt that day. And ‘The Independent’ isn’t a registered flag for card carrying atheists, so what, I wondered, had given the game away.

‘What makes you so certain that I don’t?’

‘Because’, he said, ‘ I am god – and you are not afraid of me’

You’ll have to take my word for it of course, but there are ways you can deliver a line like that – most of which would render the speaker a candidate for an institution, or at least prozac. Some of which could be construed as mildly amusing.

Conveying it as “indifferent fact” is a difficult task but that’s exactly how it came across. Nothing in his tone or attitude struck me as even mildly out of place with that statement. He said it because he believed it and his rationality did not appear to be drug induced or the result of a mental breakdown.

‘And why should I believe that?’

‘Well’ he said, ‘why don’t you ask me a few questions. Anything you like, and see if the answers satisfy your sceptical mind?’

This is going to be a short conversation after all, I thought.

‘Who am I?’

‘Stottle. Harry Stottle, born August 10 1947, Bristol, England. Father Paul, Mother Mary. Educated Duke of Yorks Royal Military School 1960 67, Sandhurst and Oxford, PhD in Exobiology, failed rock singer, full time trade union activist for 10 years, latterly self employed computer programmer, web author and aspiring philosopher. Married to Michelle, American citizen, two children by a previous marriage. You’re returning home after what seems to have been a successful meeting with an investor interested in your proposed product tracking anti-forgery software and protocol and you ate a full english breakfast at the hotel this morning except that, as usual, you asked them to hold the revolting english sausages and give you some extra bacon. ‘

He paused

‘You’re not convinced. Hmmm… what would it take to convince you?’

‘oh right! Your most secret password and its association’

A serious hacker might be able to obtain the password, but no one else and I mean

NO ONE

knows its association.

He did.

So how would you have played it?

I threw a few more questions about relatively insignificant but unpublicised details of my life (like what my mother claims was the first word I ever spoke – apparently “armadillo”! (Don’t ask…)) but I was already pretty convinced. I knew there were only three possible explanations at this point.

Possibility One was that I was dreaming or hallucinating. Nobody’s figured out a test for that so, at the time I think that was my dominant feeling. It did not feel real at the time. More like I was in a play. Acting my lines. Since the event, however, continuing detailed memories of it, together with my contemporaneous notes, remain available, so unless the hallucination has continued to this day, I am now inclined to reject the hallucination hypothesis. Which leaves two others.

He could have been a true telepath. No documented evidence exists of anyone ever having such profound abilities to date but it was a possibility. It would have explained how he could know my best-kept secrets. The problem with that is that it doesn’t explain anything else! In particular it doesn’t account for the answers he proceeded to give to my later questions.

As Sherlock Holmes says, when you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Good empiricist, Sherlock.

I was forced to accept at least the possibility that this man was who he claimed to be.

So now what do you do?

Well, I’ve always known that if I met god I would have a million questions for him, so I thought, ‘why not?’ and proceeded with what follows. You’ll have to allow a bit of license in the detail of the conversation. This was, shall we say, a somewhat unusual occurrence, not to mention just a BIT weird! And yes I was a little bit nervous! So if I don’t get it word perfect don’t whinge! You’ll get the gist I promise.

---

‘Forgive me if it takes me a little time to get up to speed here, but it’s not everyday I get to question a deity’

‘The Deity’ he interrupted.

‘ooh. Touchy!’ I thought.

‘Not really – just correcting the image’

Now That takes some getting used to!

I tried to get a grip on my thoughts, with an internal command – ‘Discipline Harry. You’ve always wanted to be in a situation like this, now you’re actually in it, you mustn’t go to pieces and waste the opportunity of a lifetime’

‘You won’t’ he said.

Tell you! That’s the bit that made it feel unreal more than anything else – this guy sitting across the table and very obviously accurately reading my every thought. It’s like finding someone else’s hand inside your trouser pocket!

Nevertheless, something made me inclined to accept the invasion, I had obviously begun to have some confidence in his perception or abilities, so I distinctly remember the effect of his words was that I suddenly felt deeply reassured and completely relaxed. As he had no doubt intended. Man must have an amazing seduction technique!

So then we got down to business…

‘Are you human?’

‘No’

‘Were you, ever?’

‘No, but similar, Yes’

‘Ah, so you are a product of evolution?’

‘Most certainly – mainly my own’

‘and you evolved from a species like ours, dna based organisms or something equally viable?’

‘Correct’

‘so what, exactly, makes you god?’

‘I did’

‘Why?’

‘Seemed like a good idea at the time’

‘and your present powers, are they in any way similar to what the superstitious believers in my species attribute to you?’

‘Close enough. ’

‘So you created all this, just for us?’

‘No. Of course not’

‘But you did create the Universe?’

‘This One. Yes’

‘But not your own?’

‘This is my own!’

‘You know what I mean!’

‘You can’t create your own parents, so No’

‘So let me get this straight. You are an entirely natural phenomenon.’

‘Entirely’

‘Arising from mechanisms which we ourselves will one day understand and possibly even master?’

‘subject to a quibble over who “we ourselves” may be, but yes’

‘meaning that if the human race doesn’t come up to the mark, other species eventually will?’

‘in one.’

‘and how many other species are there already out there ahead of us?’

‘surprisingly few. Less than fourteen million’

‘FEW!?’

‘Phew!’

‘And how many at or about our level?’

‘currently a little over 4 ½ billion’

‘so our significance in the universe at present is roughly equivalent to the significance of the average Joe here on planet Earth in his relation to the human race?’

‘a little less. Level One, the level your species has reached, begins with the invention of the flying machine. I define the next level in terms your Sci Fi Author Isaac Asimov has already grasped. It is reached when you achieve control of your own primary – the Sun. What Asimov calls a Type I technology. Humanity is only just into the flying machine phase, so as you can imagine, on that scale, the human race is somewhat near the bottom of the level one pack’

‘and all these species are your children?’

‘I like to think of them that way’

‘and the point?’

‘at its simplest, “Life Must Go On”. My personal motivation is the desire for conversation. Once you’ve achieved my level, you cease to be billions of separate entities and become one ecstatic whole. A single entity that cannot die, however advanced, or perhaps, more accurately, because it is so advanced, will get lonely and even a trifle bored! I seem to be the first. I do not intend to be the last’

‘so you created a Universe which is potentially capable of producing another god like yourself?’

‘The full benefit will be temporary, but like most orgasms, worth it.’

‘this being the moment when our new god merges with you and we become one again?’

‘don’t play it down, that’s the ecstatic vision driving us all, me included – and when it happens the ecstasy lasts several times longer than this universe has already existed. Believe me, it really is worth the effort.’

‘Yes, I think I can see the attractions of a hundred billion year long orgasm’

‘and humans haven’t even begun to know how to really enjoy the orgasms they are already capable of. Wait till you master that simple art!’

‘So it’s all about sex is it?’

‘Ecstasy is merely a reward for procreating, it is what makes you want to do it. This is necessary, initially, to promote biological evolution. However once you’ve completed that stage and no longer require procreation, you will learn that ecstasy can be infinitely more intense than anything offered by sex’

‘Sounds good to me!’

‘How direct is your involvement in all this? Did you just light the fuse which set off the big bang and stand back and watch? Or did you have to plant the seeds on appropriately fertile planets?’

‘The seeds evolved in deep space, purely as a result of the operations of the laws of physics and chemistry which your scientists have begun to attain a reasonable grasp of. Yes I triggered the bang and essentially became dormant for nearly 5 billion years. That’s how long it took the first lifeforms to emerge. That places them some 8 billion years ahead of you. The first intelligent species are now 4.3 billion years ahead of you. Really quite advanced. I can have deeply meaningful conversations with them. And usually do. In fact I am as we speak’

‘So then what?’

‘Do I keep a constant vigil over every move you make? Not in the kind of prying intrusive sense that some of you seem to think. Let’s say I maintain an awareness of what’s going on, at a planetary level. I tend only to focus on evolutionary leaps. See if they’re going in the right direction’

‘And if they’re not?’

‘Nothing. Usually’

‘Usually?’

‘Usually species evolving in the wrong direction kill themselves off or become extinct for other reasons’

‘Usually?’

‘There have been one or two cases where a wrong species has had the potential of becoming dominant at the expense of a more promising strain’

‘Let me guess. Dinosaurs on this planet are an example. Too successful. Suppressed the development of mammals and were showing no signs of developing intelligence. So you engineered a little corrective action in the form of a suitably selected asteroid’

‘Perceptive. Almost correct. They were showing signs of developing intelligence, even co-operation. Study your velocirapters. But far too predatory. Incapable of ever developing a “respect” for other life forms. It takes carrying your young to promote the development of emotional attachment to other animals. Earth reptiles aren’t built for that. The mammals who are, as you rightly say, couldn’t get a foothold against such mighty predators. You’ve now reached the stage where you could hold your own even against dinosaurs, but that’s only been true for about a thousand years, you wouldn’t have stood a chance 2 million years ago, so the dinosaurs had to go. They were, however, far too well balanced with the ecology of the planet, and never developed technology, so they weren’t going to kill themselves off in a hurry. Regrettably, I had to intervene.’

‘Regrettably?’

‘They were a beautiful and stunningly successful life form. One doesn’t destroy such things without a qualm.’

‘But at that stage how could you know that a better prospect would arise from the ashes?’

‘I didn’t. But the probability was quite high.’

‘and since then, what other little tweaks have you been responsible for in our development?’

‘None whatsoever. I set an alarm for the first sign of aerial activity, as I usually do. Leonardo looked promising for a while, but not until the Montgolfier brothers did I really begin to take an interest. That registered you as a level one intelligent species’

‘So Jesus of Nazareth, Moses, Mohammed…’

‘hmmm… sadly misguided I’m afraid. Anyone capable of communicating with their own cells will dimly perceive me – and all other life as being connected in a strictly quantum sense, but interpreting that vision as representing something supernatural and requiring obeisance is somewhat wide of the mark. And their followers are all a bit too obsessive and religious for my liking. It’s no fun being worshiped once you stop being an adolescent teenager. Having said that, it’s not at all unusual for developing species to go through that phase. Until they begin to grasp how much they too can shape their small corner of the universe, they are in understandable awe of an individual dimly but correctly perceived to be responsible for the creation of the whole of that universe. Eventually, if they are to have any hope of attaining level two, they must grow out of it and begin to accept their own power and potential. It’s very akin to a child’s relationship with its parents. The awe and worship must disappear before the child can become an adult. Respect is not so bad as long as it’s not overdone. And I certainly respect all those species who make it that far. It’s a hard slog. I know. I’ve been there.’

‘You’ve been watching us since the Montgolfiers, when was that? 1650s?’

‘Close. 1783’

‘Well, if you’ve been watching us closely since then, what your average citizen is going to want to know is why you haven’t intervened more often. Why, if you have that sort of power, did you allow such incredible suffering and human misery?’

‘It seems to be necessary.’

‘NECESSARY??!!’

‘Without exception, intelligent species who gain dominance over their planet do so by becoming the most efficient predators. There are many intelligent species who do not evolve to dominate their planet. Like your dolphins, they adapt perfectly to the environment rather than take your course, which is to manipulate the environment. Unfortunately for the dolphin, his is a dead end. He may outlive the human race but will never escape the bounds of planet earth – not without your help at any rate. Only those who can manipulate the world they live in can one day hope to leave it and spread their seed throughout the universe.

Unlike the adaptors, who learn the point of cooperation fairly early on, manipulators battle on. And, once all lesser species have been overcome, they are so competitive and predatory that they are compelled to turn in on themselves. This nearly always evolves into tribal competition in one form or another and becomes more and more destructive – exactly like your own history. However this competition is vital to promote the leap from biological to technological evolution.

You need an arms race in order to make progress.

Your desire to dominate fuels a search for knowledge which the adaptors never require. And although your initial desire for knowledge is selfish and destructive, it begins the development of an intellectual self awareness, a form of higher consciousness, which never emerges in any other species. Not even while they are experiencing it, for example, can the intelligent adaptors – your dolphins – express the concepts of Love or Time.

Militarization and the development of weapons of mass destruction are your first serious test at level one. You’re still not through that phase, though the signs are promising. There is no point whatsoever in my intervening to prevent your self-destruction. Your ability to survive these urges is a crucial test of your fitness to survive later stages. So I would not, never have and never will intervene to prevent a species from destroying itself. Most, in fact, do just that.’

‘And what of pity for those have to live through this torment?’

‘I can’t say this in any way that doesn’t sound callous, but how much time do you spend worrying about the ants you run over in your car? I know it sounds horrendous to you, but you have to see the bigger picture. At this stage in human development, you’re becoming interesting but not yet important.’

‘ah but I can’t have an intelligent conversation with an ant’

‘precisely’

‘hmm… as you know, humans won’t like even to attempt to grasp that perspective. How can you make it more palatable?’

‘Why should I? You don’t appear to have any trouble grasping it. You’re by no means unique. And in any case, once they begin to understand what’s in it for them, they’ll be somewhat less inclined to moan. Eternal life compensates for most things.’

‘So what are we supposed to do in order to qualify for membership of the universal intelligentsia?’

‘Evolve. Survive’

‘Yes, but how?’

‘Oh, I thought you might have got the point by now. “How” is entirely up to you. If I have to help, then you’re a failure. All I will say is this. You’ve already passed a major hurdle in learning to live with nuclear weapons. It’s depressing how many fail at that stage.’

‘Is there worse to come?’

‘Much’

‘Genetic warfare for instance?

‘Distinct Possibility’

‘and the problem is… that we need to develop all these technologies, acquire all this dangerous knowledge in order to reach level two. But at any stage that knowledge could also cause our own destruction’

‘If you think the dangers of genetic warfare are serious, imagine discovering a secret thought or program, accessible to any intelligent individual, which, if abused, will eliminate your species instantly. If your progress continues as is, then you can expect to discover that particular self-destruct mechanism in less than a thousand years. Your species has got to grow up considerably before you can afford to make that discovery. And if you don’t make it, you will never leave your Solar System and join the rest of the sapient species on level two.’

’14 Million of them’

‘Just under’

‘Will there be room for us?’

‘it’s a big place’

‘and, for now, how should we mere mortals regard you then?’

‘like an older brother or sister. Of course I know more than you do. Of course I’m more powerful than you. I’ve been alive longer. But I’m not “better” than you. Just more developed. Just what you might become’

‘so we’re not obliged to “please” you or follow your alleged guidelines or anything like that?’

‘absolutely not. Never issued a single guideline in the lifetime of this Universe. Have to find your own way out of the maze. And one early improvement is to stop expecting me – or anyone else – to come and help you out.’

‘I suppose that is a guideline of sorts, so there goes the habit of a lifetime! ‘

‘Seriously though, species who hold on to religion past its sell-by date tend to be most likely to self destruct. They spend so much energy arguing about my true nature, and invest so much emotion in their wildly erroneous imagery that they end up killing each other over differences in definitions of something they clearly haven’t got a clue about. Ludicrous behaviour, but it does weed out the weaklings.’

‘Why me? Why pick on an atheist of all people? Why are you telling me all this? And why Now?’

‘Why You? Because can accept my existence without your ego caving in and grovelling like a naughty child. ‘

‘Can you seriously imagine how the Pope would react to the reality of my existence?! If he really understood how badly wrong he and his church have been, how much of the pain and suffering you mentioned earlier has been caused by his religion, I suspect he’d have an instant coronary! Or can you picture what it would be like if I appeared “live” simultaneously on half a dozen tele-evangelist propaganda shows. Pat Robertson would wet himself if he actually understood who he was talking to.

Conversely, your interest is purely academic. You’ve never swallowed the fairy tale but you’ve remained open to the possibility of a more advanced life form which could acquire godlike powers. You’ve correctly guessed that godhood is the destiny of life. You have shown you can and do cope with the concept. It seemed reasonable to confirm your suspicions and let you do what you will with that information.

You can and will publish this conversation on the web, where it will sow an important seed. Might take a couple of hundred years to germinate, but, eventually, it will germinate.

Why Now? Well partly because both you and the web are ready now. But chiefly because the human race is reaching a critical phase. It goes back to what we were saying about the dangers of knowledge. Essentially your species is becoming aware of that danger. When that happens to any sapient species, the future can take three courses.

Many are tempted to avoid the danger by avoiding the knowledge. Like the adaptors, they are doomed to extinction. Often pleasantly enough in the confines of their own planet until either their will to live expires or their primary turns red giant and snuffs them out.

A large number go on blindly acquiring the knowledge and don’t learn to restrain their abuse. Their fate is sealed somewhat more quickly of course, when Pandora’s box blows up in their faces.

The only ones who reach level two are those who learn to accept and to live with their most dangerous knowledge. Each and every individual in such a species must eventually become capable of destroying their entire species at any time. Yet they must learn to control themselves to the degree that they can survive even such deadly insight. And frankly, they’re the only ones we really want to see leaving their solar systems. Species that haven’t achieved that maturity could not be allowed to infect the rest of the universe, but fortunately that has never required my intervention. The knowledge always does the trick’

‘Why can’t there be a fourth option – selective research where we avoid investigating dangerous pathways?’

‘As you can see from your own limited history, the most useful ideas are also, nearly always, the most dangerous. You have yet, for instance, to conquer fusion power but you need to do so in order to achieve appropriate energy surpluses required to complete this phase of your social development. It will, when you’ve mastered it, eliminate material inequalities and poverty within a generation or two, an absolutely vital step for any maturing species. Yet the discovery of the principles which will soon yield this beneficial bounty could, had you abused them, have ended your attempt at civilisation.

Similarly, you will shortly be able to conquer biological diseases and even engineer yourselves to be virtually fault free. Your biological life spans will double or treble within the next hundred years and your digital lifespans will become potentially infinite within the same period: If you survive the potential threat that the same technology provides in the form of genetic timebombs, custom built viruses and the other wonders of genetic and digital warfare.

You simply can’t have the benefits without taking the risks’.

‘I’m not sure I understand my part in this exercise. I just publish this conversation on the web and everything will be alright?’

‘Not necessarily. Not that easy I’m afraid. To start with, who’s going to take this seriously? It will just be seen as a mildly amusing work of fiction. In fact, your words and indeed most of your work will not be understood or appreciated until some much more advanced scholars develop the ideas you are struggling to express and explain them somewhat more competently. At which point the ideas will be taken up en masse and searches will be undertaken of the archives. They will find this work and be struck by its prescience. You won’t make the Einstein grade, but you might manage John the Baptist!

This piece will have no significance whatsoever if humanity doesn’t make certain key advances in the next couple of centuries. And this won’t help you make those advances. What it will do is help you recognise them’

‘can I ask what those advances may be?’

‘I think you know. But yes – although you are at level one, there are several distinct phases which evolving species pass through on their way to level two. The first, as we’ve discussed, is the invention of the flying machine. The next significant phase is the development of the thinking machine.

At your present rate of progress, you are within a few decades of achieving that goal. It marks your first step on the path of technological evolution. Mapping the human genome is another classic landmark, but merely mapping it is a bit like viewing the compiled code in a dos executable. It’s just meaningless gibberish, although with a bit of hacking here and there, you might correctly deduce the function of certain stretches of code.

What you really need to do is ‘reverse engineer’ the DNA code. You have to figure out the grammar and syntax of the language. Then you will begin the task of designing yourselves. But that task requires the thinking machine’

‘You say you avoid intervention. But doesn’t this conversation itself constitute intervention – even if people alive now completely ignore it?’

‘Yes. But it’s as far as I’m prepared to go. Its only effect is to confirm, if you find it, that you are on the right path. It is still entirely up to you to navigate the dangers on that path and beyond.’

‘But why bother even with that much? Surely it’s just another evolutionary hurdle. We’re either fit enough or not…’

‘In many ways the transition to an information species is the most traumatic stage in evolution. Biological intelligences have a deeply rooted sense of consciousness only being conceivable from within an organic brain. Coming to terms with the realisation that you have created your successor, not just in the sense of mother and child, but in the collective sense of the species recognising it has become redundant, this paradigm shift is, for many species, a shift too far. They baulk at the challenge and run from this new knowledge. They fail and become extinct. Yet there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them – it is a failure of the imagination.

I hope that if I can get across the concept that I am a product of just such evolution, it may give them the confidence to try. I have discussed this with the level two species and the consensus is that this tiny prod is capable of increasing the contenders for level two without letting through any damaging traits. It has been tried in 312 cases. The jury is still out on its real benefits although it has produced a 12% increase in biological species embracing the transition to information species.

‘Alright, so what if everyone suddenly took it seriously and believed every word I write? Wouldn’t that constitute a somewhat more drastic intervention?’

‘Trust me. They wont’

‘and so it’s still the case, that, should another asteroid happen to be heading our way, you will do nothing to impede it on our behalf?’

‘I’m confident you will pass that test. And now my friend, the interview is over, you have asked me a number of the right questions, and I’ve said what I came to say, so I’ll be going now. It has been very nice to meet you – you’re quite bright. For an ant!’ He twinkled.

‘Just one final, trivial question, why do you appear to me in the form of a thirty something white male?’

‘have I in any way intimidated or threatened you?’

‘No’

‘Do you find me sexually attractive?’

‘er No!’

‘So figure it out for yourself…’