I find it retarded that I've been telling myself all week I'm not gonna get attached. I'm not gonna just let it happen because nothing ever becomes of it. I realised the other night that nothing will probably become of this because I just simply cannot compete.

I know I haven't done anything differently. It's simply just someone else has gotten your attention and you seem more than happy to give it to them. Sound for it babe.

I really wanted this to be a longer post. I just am not comfortable bitching this general subject anymore.

Time well spent or wasted?

I'm sitting here wondering weather I should go visit my grandad or not on my way to fionnuala's for can's with people. It's not that I don't like him or anything, I just have a problem with some of his views, particularly racism and stuff. When we were smaller, he used to come around every sunday for breakfast after mass. I used to go to mass every Sunday until I reached first year. Then the choice was given to me. I chose to stop. It got boring. I lost faith once I started to question everything. ect ect. That's a post for another day. Well, soon after, my grandad stopped coming around on sundays. My parents say he wanted to see would we visit him. I guess we(by we I mean my brother, sister and I) never really did. Well he didn't take this so well, given I can walk to his house within 3 minutes. I never really had any excuse not to see him. He stopped visiting, so gradually he grew further and further away. I've tried going around to him weekly and stuff but, I've no idea how to keep up a conversation with him one like I spend any kinda prolonged period of time with him. It's hard.

I guess this all comes from the fact that, Even for my 21st birthday. He just put my card in the letter box, and never rang or anything. I got ninja'd by my grandad O.o
I have a problem with this. My twenty first birthday was the first birthday that I actually was looking forward to and got excited about since I was 14. I just have a problem because he wouldn't even come in and see me. He wouldnt knock at the door and hand me the card. Yet he expects me to go sit with him for I don't know how long on a regular basis? I don't know.

Am I being horrible over something I shouldn't be? I know I'm not right. I'm just between being in the middle and being wrong. It's just how far along. I don't really know.
He should stop being such a stubborn man.

I guess I hold a grudge against him for something he done a long time ago. That is actually family business so I won't discuss it. I just I don't know. I just needed to Vent.

Family is important. I know this. I just..think it's been too long.

I wonder where we are? I don't mean that in any sense of physical sense. I mean that, In the relationship we have, that could be somewhere between, Enjoyment of each others texting skills to friendship, to friendship with the hopes of going further. Where do we stand on this dotted line in my head? I've no idea.

So It's common between most teenagers that when they get a new number they start to text the person on the other end of this number, a fair amount. It sometimes that happens that one side becomes interested in the other and they like to text and talk to that person. They might now know how that other person feels about the same situation that they are both in. Some might think, that by it being ongoing and it lasting for a good while that there is a reason for this. It could just be that they like talking to each other. Maybe they are interested in each other. Who knows. The question I've been thinking about the last few days is that say one person in this arrangement likes the other, but the other would rather stay friends. Is it wrong for the interested party to no longer want to talk to this person after they've been half rejected? They lose interest and they don't talk as much. Is this unfair on the non interested party? I really don't know.

This blog is going to be short, simple and dedicated.

I turned twenty one as of 12am last night.

It's made me think alot about life. I thought about college, working and where I wanna go in my life.

Then I fucked the entire train of thought out of my head and decided to live in the now.

This is what I would have said as my speech for my birthday If I had time to htink without being intoxicated.

I believe that a person or group of people are the sum of how they treat the people around them.
Last night, made me think that people are molded and shaped by the people around them.
My life was made last night. I've never been so happy with my life.
I know this is because of the people who came out to celebrate with me.
My friends and family are brought me into this world. They are there every day and they make life worth living.

I love everyone that's in my life. Twenty one years of joy.

This thing we've got going.

The more I use my msn, I find that you tried while I was at work to do something nice for me.

I know we don't always get along. I know we even go to great lengths to show our dislike more than our like for each other. I know your not the complete thick that you let on to be sometimes. I know you're a decent lad just trying to make your way. You've already gone against the odds and proved people wrong. I know your friends respect and love you and honestly that says a lot. I don't care what some people say about you. They hardly know you. I know you, I might not show it. I just act like your just around. I just don't know sometimes man. I'll try harder.

Sometimes, you fight for something when it'd be easier to give up and accept what's being forced upon you.

Sometimes you decide that something is worth fighting for, whatever the price it comes at.

I chose the latter a few months ago and it has cost me many depressive moods and sleepless nights. I'm proud I managed to stand my ground against someone who knows exactly what to say to get past every defense I can muster around myself. Now the reason I did all this seems to have betrayed itself and I'm left just wondering.

Facing my failure, facing my loneliness, facing the fact I live a lie. Yes, I live a lie tell you why, I'm always preaching not to be numb when that's how I thrive. I pretend to create and observe when I really detach from feeling alive.

Hey cowardice, What's up?

I don't know whats worse, the fact that you still act like I don't exist or that I can't find the courage to confront you about it.

In other news this week, I've again become a great big gigantic DOUCHE. Sorry about that.

The past, still present.

I've always found it funny that, technology can change everything. The lads came down to mine on Tuesday night to watch some tv and have some pizza. Something we've not done since the start of the summer. I'd ramble off more about how much I missed the lads and how it annoys that we don't get much of a chance to hang out anymore but i wont. Eddy's phone has been broken for the very long time now, and he hasnt had free texts so he asked could I see what was wrong with my old nokia, I checked but while checking my drawer of what is usually "no return" for such things as phones, chargers and the like. I found both my old phone, and my mp3 player I got for my last birthday off my parents. I thought I lost that mp3. I need to keep track of things more I think. I usually know where everything is at any given time, My room like what most teenagers would call an "organized mess". I like the fact that I packed my mp3 full of pictures so I wouldn't lose them. I love looking back and stuff.

On this phone that I had rummaged out to give to eddy, I found messages from someone, written a long time ago. The earliest dating back to 1/09/2007. These messages meant that I'd probably not want to part with the phone and I realised why I never through it away.

Reading back through all these messages, I realised that I had once, something amazing with someone who was not important to me in the way that most people my age find people to be important. She's not of the same blood as me, she's not family. She's just a girl I randomly started to talk to one day, that eventually became what she is today. having said "I had once" I actually meant I still have. Things between me and this girl sometimes go through rough patches, which are not really that bad because, no matter how dark and bleak this tunnel is that we have found ourselves in, we know theres light at the end of it. It doesn't matter how long it takes to get there, it doesn't matter how shit it feels to be in said tunnel, We just know that one day, we will get there. Together, us, eventually. It doesn't matter. Everything is going to be alright. I could go on telling the world, how amazing this girl is, how much I love and care about her. Some things are meant to be private so I think specifics should be between us. I just wrote this to remind her of what we've got, and what I never want to give up.

I'm burning down your house just to get you out.
An arsonist disguised as an outcast and it's all too much for me to take.

Girls, how I hate thee.

I won't listen to your words or let them prey on my mind.

My life in lines.

I guess if you asked me where I am in life right now, I'd not have much to say, but here I'll try get as much out as I can.

College started this week. It's the same as it always is, pointless. I mean I love the people and the classes are not like retardedly boring. They are just few and far inbetween. Monday, I've got to be in for two hours. Tuesday, six hours. Thursday, two hours. THATS IT. It's annoying like. I like the time off, who wouldn't but when it comes to trying to get to be outside of college friends with people it's hard. I mean we all said we'd go out more this year. Which has already started happening. I've just no money.

I watched part of the DCU Iron Stomach competition on tuesday. It was probably one of the most disgusting thing's I've ever had the joy of a laying my eyes on. They had to drink 2ltrs of milk from a beer bong. They had to eat a full stick of butter and then they had to eat chilli sauce off the end of a tampon. I know the tampon isn't that bad. It's just what it symbolizes I guess.
I seen all this, then went to eat my dinner. I don't know how. I just had to eat as I skipped breakfast and wouldnt have a chance to eat for another 4-5 hours. It was definitely something worth seeing though.

A few people I know have started college this year, some in DCU, some in other colleges. I'm happy because most of these live far away. This at least gives me a chance to see them while they are going to or from college. It's working out pretty well so far.

A few people have been at me about staying lately. Even more so than usual. My excuse is that I'm broke. I'm paying for college myself. I was saving all summer, but some weeks I couldn't save what I needed to save, I'd either put in nothing, or just a little. Now, I'm short so much that I barely got bye even with the money I could borrow. I've to just re-pay what I did borrow. It's still a fairly significant amount. I'm going to try to get out, and spend as little as I can. Probably the best plan. It's getting to the point where I feel that I'm losing the closeness I had with some people because I can't see them or anything. The spare cash I do have is mostly used in going to and from college. It's a shit feeling alright.

Away from the complete downer that was the rest of this post, the bright side of life includes that I'm talking to some people that I've not spoken to in a very long time. It's nice because it feels like it's the same old you and it's the same old me. The conversations about old times, the "old days" as most call it. It's funny because they do feel old. I've got my birthday in a little over 3 weeks.

I'm going 21. TWENTY FUCKING ONE. Holy shit.. I really just want everyone to show up. Leave their arguments and misgivings at the door and have a good time. I need to plan more for it because as of right now, and the less than good relationship lately with my sister I've no idea what's going on. Aidan doesn't know What's up. -.-

Next thing on my mind, You. You will know who you are. I'm actually so ridiculously disgusted by you. It's not even funny. I hope I don't have to see you anytime in the near future to anytime in the far away future. If for some reason I will be made walk down the same street as you at the same time. I will probably just look at the ground. You don't deserve any better.

I don't have much else to say for now.