The week that marks the end of college.

Been a while since I've posted something solid. Even though I've been bugged to. I really haven't found the time. I can't sleep. Not surprising at all really. I just have this person I'd like to call and talk to. She's asleep though. I don't want to wake her again just for a silly reason.

This weeks been stressful, I've no problem giving money to people around me when I have it. I just kinda had plans for it this week. I just can't say no I guess.

Starting my week really, back Saturday night. Work was annoyingly busy. I managed to get my stuff and go about 10.30. Seriously a grab and go while it got quiet. I was told my boss got pretty annoyed When It stayed busy after that. One of my favorite things to do these days is to cycle home. I do be walking around for ages so my legs are just full of this drive to get home. That night, I had sadly missed out on going to Fionnuala's for Cans and a bbq. I managed to get to eddys around 11.30. I had no idea what the plan was for the night. I don't know how it ended up. I started texting a girl before I got there. Her texts were running out. Goes, Call me later if you feel like talking. I'm usually shit to talk to on the phone, can hold water in my hand better than conversation on the phone most of the time. Funny how, I go and ring her after a while, I think I woke her up. I'm not sure. Funny, from then on I spent about 4 hours on the phone to her, while me and the lads played poker. The laughs were seriously had. Nothing like ending the night in bed with the two best lads, wondering when Eddy's going to sleep/twitch the fuck in bed and wake you the hell up.

Sunday was all about getting up, hitting town with jay. Then off to another stressful day in work, you know 4-11pm shift. I think I got home sometime around 12.30. Life just doesn't like to give me a social life anymore.

Monday, hey 9am start. I was the phone to this girl untill about 3. Great idea by me, must say. I managed to get up go college and then just sat through a lecture I had no idea what was going on because I hardly went to his class, I just went to the recording sessions. Winged them too. reflecting back (because thats practically all my course wants me to do) Because past is the future and all that. I should have gone, paid attention. and not slept after a weekends working. But sure, thats life aint it? Me and Dan hit the library, got loads of shit sorted, and by sorted I mean convinced others to go to the summer ball on Wednesday. The place that most of my classes social outtings are made in the library. Were cool like that.

Tuesday, I'm not going to lie. It's was all about getting an assignment done for Wednesday. Calling this girl for the chatz. Which has been happening on the regular at this point.

Wednesday. The feeling you get when you put an assignment into the undergraduates assignments box in the education schools box for assignments. The relief. I'm being so serious It's amazing. Then it was time to mill home and get ready. The Dcu Summer Ball. It was so good. I really enjoyed it. With my favorite people from college and having the hang outs. I got locked. I cut my thumb open. I got a taxi home with Amy and had a laugh. Came home, woke this girl up. Talked to her, she fell asleep while I was talking to her. Twice. Well, I ended up falling asleep three times. She wins I guess. I can't wait till the next ball, for serials.

Funny though. walking out of campus on Tuesday. I see a girl I haven't seen in ages, and by ages I mean it was just after my 17th birthday. I was wearing this hoody my sister bought me. on tuesday for the first time in years, I wore it out(It magically appeared in my room after my sister had just left my house) I wore it to college, I saw her. I was wearing blue jeans and this hoody. I'm like 99.9% sure this was exactly what I was wearing when I seen her last time. Well needless to say, this girls from a time of my life Where I shut people out, forget about them and act like it never happened. Gave her the quick nod and walked past her. This just makes me wonder about, how people change over time. I looked like I hadn't changed at all.
Also on this walk out of college, I seen a class of what I'd assume is 4th years out on the grass with a big tripod camera stand and a camera man taking a professional picture, I think Graduation Is crazy and scary. the idea is amazing. The idea of going through something for such a length of time with the same people who went through the same thing Is Amazing. They all had big genuine smiles. It was so happy.

I did on the bus, over hear two girls, talking. Retards of the highest order. I can understand if you don't think your lads going to be faithful so you keep your options open. I just heard two girls debate about picking the lad that will love her more, based on how much he shows his love with monetary value. Fuck you. Tit.

while finishing writing this, The suns come up. fuck that. Bed time. I think I can sleep now.

27.4.10

So lately.. theres been this girl..

23.4.10

Who knew a smile could ruin your night? just the one smile...

Maybe?

I guess maybe, I can sleep now.

19.4.10

It's P-DAY!. Procrastination day. I have a shit load of college work to do. My first assignment is due on thursday. The next is the following wednesday. I should get this done and over with, but I'm just too lazy.

I don't know what it is about college, some people. You'd never talked to them before and they invite you to play frisbee because they want a huge group to be throwing around three or four at a time, yet people in your own class totally blank you. Maybe some people are just tits. I have no idea, but usually so far from what I've experienced from my class, everyones really nice. I still don't know everyones names but still! I think it goes to show not everyones that nice.

I bet you now alot of my class is in the library working. Lucky for me I can do my work at home.. and not get distracted by the Internet and face-book and Xbox and stuff...

Oh look a cloud! that's another 10 minutes gone...

I'm going to start this now.

Good bye love.

In my last post I talked about a song in RENT that I loved. I decided to put it into a blog post and co-ordinate it. Colours for people and all that. Just, so people are not left out. Roger lost his last girlfriend to aids and has a thing for Mimi. MiMi has Aids and after fighting with Roger is now seeing Benny. Angel just died, He was collin's boyfriend.


Mimi: It's true you sold your guitar and bought a car?
Roger: It's true - I'm leaving now for Santa Fe, It's true you're with this yuppie scum.
Benny: You said you'd never speak to him again
Mimi: Not now
Maureen: Who said you that you have any say in who she says things to at all?
Roger: Yeah!
Joanne: Who said that you should stick your nose in other people's...
Maureen: Who said I was talking to you?
Joanne: we used to have this fight each night
Mark: Calm down
Joanne: She'd never admit I existed
Mark: Everyone please
Mimi: He was the same way - he was always "run away - hit the road don't commit" you're full of shit
Joanne: She's in denial
Mimi: He's in denial
Joanne: You gave an inch when i gave a mile
Mark: Come on
Mimi: I gave a mile
Roger: Gave a mile to who?
Mark: Come on guys chill!
Mimi & Joanne:
I'd be happy to die for a taste of what Angel had: someone to live for-unafraid to say i love you
Roger: All your words are nice Mimi but love's not a three-way street you'll never share real love until you love your self..............I should know
Collins:
You all said you'd be cool today so please for my sake...
I can't believe he's gone
I can't believe you're going
I can't believe this family must die
Angel helped us believe in love I can't believe you disagree
All:
I can't believe this is good bye
( Maureen and Joanne reconcile and go home. Collins returns to the funeral home. Mimi and Benny leave together. Roger and Mark are left alone.)
Mark: I hear there are great restaurants out west
Roger: Some of the best, how could she?
Mark: How could you let her go?
Roger: You just don't know...how could we lose Angel?
Mark: Maybe you'll see why when you stop escaping your pain at least now if you try Angel's death won't be in vain
Roger: His death is in vain
Mark: Are you insane? There's so much to care about there's me there's Mimi
Roger: Mimi's got her baggage too
Mark: So do you
Roger: Who are you to tell me what I know. What to do
Mark: A friend
Roger: But who, Mark, are you? "Mark has got his work" they say "Mark lives for his work" and "Mark's in love with his work" Mark hides in his work
Mark: From what?
Roger: From facing your failure, facing your loneliness facing the fact you live a lie. Yes, you live a lie tell you why, you're always preaching not to be numb when that's how you thrive you pretend to create and observe when you really detach from feeling alive
Mark: Perhaps it's because I'm the one of us to survive
Roger: Poor baby
Mark: Mimi still loves Roger. Is Roger really jealous or afraid that Mimi's weak
Roger: Mimi did look pale
Mark: Mimi's gotten thin. Mimi's running out of time
Roger's running out the door...
Roger: No more! Oh no! I've gotta go.
Mark: Hey! For someone who's always been let down who's heading out of town?
Roger: For someone who longs for a community of his own, who's with his camera, alone?
I'll call. I hate the fall.
(Mimi enters)
You heard?
Mimi:
Every word. You don't want baggage without lifetime guarantees. You don't want to watch me die?
I just came to say
goodbye love, goodbye love
came to say goodbye love, goodbye.
Just came to say
Roger: Glory
Mimi: goodbye love
Roger: One blaze of
Mimi: goodbye love
Roger: glory
Mimi: goodbye love goodbye
Roger: I have to find
(Roger leaves Benny enters)
Mimi: please don't touch me understand I'm scared I need to go away
Mark: I know a place, a clinic
Benny: A rehab?
Mimi: Maybe, could you?
Benny: I'll pay
Mimi:
goodbye love
goodbye love
came to say goodbye love, goodbye.
just came to say goodbye love,
goodbye love, goodbye love, goodbye love
hello disease

I remember why I hate late nights sometimes.

A friend of mine introduced me to RENT, a musical based in 1999, I think. Theres a song that was filmed and not in the movie, I cant for the life of me think why. This song just makes me think. So much drama going on. You can still see and hear the hurt thats caused by the fighting. I'm a sucker for this shit.

It's actually crazy how much I do not want to go to bed. My dog's away with my parents in wexford. I hate to sleep without him on my bed. It's just something re-assuring that he's always there, when I sleep. usually grumpy that I have to move him off my pillow, sometimes he's overly joyed when i get into bed. When I finally settle in and try sleep with the light off, he gets up, wags his tail and lays down against me. I swear down right now, If i didn't have work tomorrow, I would stay up all night and wait for him to get home then go to sleep. God, I'm not doing well right now.

16.4.10

"This is for the record, history is written by the victor.
History is filled with liars.
If he lives and we die, his truth becomes written and ours is lost.
All you need to change the world, is one good lie and a river of blood.

The healthy human mind doesn't wake up thinking this is it's last day on earth,. I think thats a luxury, not a curse. To know you're close to the end is a kind of freedom.
It's a good time to take... inventory

Out gunned. Outnumbered. Out of our minds on a suicide mission, but the sand and rocks here are stained with a thousand years of warfare.
They will remember us. For this.
In all out vast array of nightmares, this is the one we choose for ourselves.
We go forward like a breath exhaled from the Earth.
With vigor in our hearts and one goal in sight.
We. Will. Kill him." - Price


I've been out a lot this week and a bit. Going to college, walking around. spending overdue time with my sister and going to town. I have also had my head buried in my xbox, doing thing's I have told myself I'd do for ages. I'm also trying to fix my sleeping pattern. It's a whole lot of work, for something that won't stay fixed for long. It's why I haven't written much lately. I usually write at about 3-4am. Ive been in bed by 1 most nights this week, or close enough to that.

Summer is officially here. I can't wait to be finished college, So I can relax and not do work. Go to work and do nothing, Then go get drunk a lot with people I love to get drunk with.

I've been given something ever so small to think about and yet something huge. I don't know if i'll ever have an answer.

I suppose I should tell you, I'm making the effort with you. You are not helping the situation bro.

I have work in an hour and a half, It's payday and I am quite happy. I no longer have to worry about some things. All I want to do is get stuff sorted for leeds and then just go with the flow.

10.4.10

A boy has the right to dream, there are endless possibilities before him. What awaits him down the path, he will then have to choose. The boy doesn't always know. At some point the boy then becomes an adult and then learns what he was able to become. Joy and sadness will always accompany this. he is confronted with a choice, when this happens, He will bid past fair-well in his heart, once a boy becomes an adult, he cannot go back to being a boy. The boy is now a man. Only one thing can be said, A boy has the right to dream, for those endless possibilities, that are stretched out before him. Just remember, all men were once boys.

Outlaw Star narration - Star of desire.



Growing up scares the Be-jesus out of me. I go though it with a kinda of dead love for it. I love to prove I'm grown up and responsible. I've always done this. I can't actually remember the last time I said "I was a boy" or "I was a kid" I spent too long wanting to grow up. I spent too much time wanting to be like my sister, wanting the freedom she had when she grew up. Now I'm too self conscious to do anything. My brother referred to me as a "bank" with my money these days. That's something else to rant about. These days, I find myself feeling like a bank. I mean, you know when you walk into a bank you know "this is a place of work", People in suits. Theres that bank smell, the security. the quietness of the people talking about money, getting on with their job and the feeling that if you worked here the boringness would kill you. I feel like The embodiment of a bank.

I will break this feeling though. Bring on Leeds.

I have another idea for a short story, I'm not that good at writing. It usually turns into a mess and I delete it. I probably wont bother with this idea. too many stolen Idea's from things. Who knows maybe I'll get really bored and just do it. I never show anyway. I just like to write. It takes up time, It expresses Ideas. It's just, something I love.

9.4.10

I've had this secret. I've kept it to myself for a long time. It's not a big thing. It would just mean something to someone very close to me. I don't know why I kept it to myself for so long. I just did. I decided to just come out with it. We were having the laughs so I just blurt it out. He was down with it. Even gave out a little as to why I kept it to myself when he would be perfectly understanding about it. Cheers blood.

7.4.10

So tonight the countdown begins. [insert countdown as soon as i find how long it is]

Tonight was cool. to jays, where he cooked dinner no matter how much I protested I was not hungry. Got some xbox in, and while doing that I got to bitch about how much of a Blue waffle someone close to me was being. I took a picture of me wearing 5 hats. FIVE HATS.

The most interesting part of the night was, I got the last bus home, loada girls going out got on.
The bus was not packed, I was up the back like i usually am, Listening to some loud Linkin Park. Most of the girls sat in the four rows like, from the back of the bus and one sat in the 4 seater with me. I swear she could have sat anywhere else but she decided to sit by me. I just looked out the window. I glanced at her and she talked, I couldn't hear her so i took off my earphones and she knew what song i was listening to. we got talking. She got up and went to get off with her mates, so I went a bit gutsy and got her number. Pretty sound night tbh.

I'm convinced it was Eddy's hat that done it for me. That's what real brotherhood is, he helped without even being awake. Good man.

I want to write something else, but due to the nature of this post. I'll not write about it. I want to keep things happy. :)

6.4.10

Money can never buy happiness, It buys human comfort.

Truth.

It's not you. It's me.

I'm feeling very destructive. Thanks very much. I really appreciate this. You come to me, I will help you every time. Whenever you need it. I don't break promises. No matter how much it hurts to bear them. I hold alot of value in someones word. If they break it, I won't hold them or their opinions in very high regard. I will not break my own unless I have no choice, and if I do you can be sure I will honestly make it up to you. You're lucky. Honest to god. Any other lad would have told you to fuck right off by now. So you dream about me. I dream about you. We don't speak about it. That's the nature of things right now. I don't see why, you feel the need to ruin my day. I'm not going to write what you had a dream about. It's too personal. You woke up crying. I didn't even know you could cry while you slept. I calmed you down like always, Then out of nowhere tonight, you ruined me. I just, I'm not a jealous lad. I rarely get jealous over anything. Girls who use jealousy to get back at lads, can well.. go fuck off with the lad there trying to make you jealous with. With you however, fill me with uncontrollable intentional jealousy to the point of one day, I swear this down right now. I will tear you down. I will destroy everything. I will break my word. I will become mute. I will lock you out., or I'll just leave. I have yet to think which would hurt you more.

We never said this would be easy and I would never want to do what I have just wrote, to you.
I know you don't read this anymore. I just need you to know,
I can fight too and we both know, I fight to win.

04.4.10

Life never gets fairer.

3.4.10

Why is something so wrong so attractive? Everything in my head is doing everything falling short of ramming itself into walls, to tell me its wrong. I've always been the kinda guy to do the wrong thing.

It's easter week. My parents went to france on sunday, My brother had his mates down a few nights, I didn't do anything with the free house. I don't know what it is anymore. My parents have been going away from week to weekend since I was 16. I actually think it's not worth having to clean after. My parents are clean freaks. I'll let my brother clean.

I was making a cup of tea there a second ago, something came into my head that I guess has not been in my head for ages, a song called Rooftops by lost prophets. This song reminds me of a girl, who shall never be named. I don't even like to be reminded of her name now that I think about it. I just wonder, how's she doing? I've no way of finding out. I shouldn't even try.

It happened again, only this time I don't think I can blame you. I'm not even sure If I want this anymore.

You know, I know everyone says nice things to everyone to cheer them up. I always said nice things to you. I always meant the nice things I said to you. I almost wish things could have been different. My mentality never lets me just make a clean break when I need one. I can't come running anymore. If you call, I'll call back. If you need to talk, I'll listen for hours. I hope this is alright.

Thanks for lately babe. I realised we are not as close anymore. We are fixing it though. I'm always pretty happy when I'm just kicking back with you.