I don't actually know where I stand with you. I was told I done wrong by you again.

I CAN'T READ YOUR MIND. Just talk to me about it please...

My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you own me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

It's 2:45 the baby takes his 1st breath
the mother never knew he only had a few left
and the father gets a call in the middle of the night
his breath gets short and his chest gets tight

But he's 16 and he's driving too fast
takes a turn to the left, it would be his last
Nobody knows what happens if he turns to the right
Nobody in the car would've died that night

But he's 32 and invincible
the cancer he had, it was visceral
he never saw it coming
thought he had his whole life
sick in the morning and he died in the night

We're all so
We're on the line
We're all
We're all [oh]
We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted

He's 7 years old, got his bat in his hand
he's looking for his father and he doesn't understand
'cause dad's too busy, got some deals on the way
his son sits alone as the children play

And he's 18 he couldn't wait to move out
his parents wonder what all the rush is about
they never bothered with his dreams only thinking of theirs
wonders why he doesn't call and why he doesn't care

But he's 32 and invincible with
everything he is based on principle
he never had a truly happy moment in his life
he didn't want the kids and he didn't want his wife

23 now, got his life in his hands
he's looking all around and he doesn't understand
'cause life's too busy, things get in the way
we all feel alone every single day

and I'm 18 and couldn't wait to move out
it's been five years and now I'm starting to doubt
whether all my dreams are just aimless stares
looking off to someplace that isn’t there

when I'm 32 well I'll be miserable with
everything around based on principle
well, i have a clue, oh wouldn't it be nice
to never be alone in this wasted life

We're wasted, no no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no no
We're all wasted
We're wasted
We're all wasted
We're wasted, no
We're all wasted

Look, I know that I've been a shitty friend. I Guess, I'm just happy that you guy's still want me around. Tonight was great. I plan to do it more. I've not heard people have such laughs in a long time as I've heard tonight. It was really class. I love you guys.

My familys away for the week. I'm kinda lonely.

So I took some time today to see my Grandad. It's been a while. so much of a while that, I see my uncle who lives in New York more than I see my Grandad who lives no more than a 3 minute walk away from my house. I just don't agree with some of his views. He's still family though. Home is where the heart is. I believe this.

In a past blog, I wrote : Truth is, no one, keeps family and home, as close as they should.

Feeding the beast.

I kinda guess, I'm in fear of losing my job. Everything is my fault when something goes wrong.
I don't know why, I guess it's because I don't get on with everyone, like everyone else does. I get along with my boss though which is what counts. My assistant manage hasn't spoken to me in over a month. My boss is nice though, When I'm not losing him money by fucking something up. Even if it's not money, I lose "time" which is just as valuable in my job I guess.
I decided that I'd have to do something I never planned on doing. Talking people out of their money. I know very well that the only reason I have my job is because "I have a lovely phone voice" When I answer the phones and I've "great" customer interaction. I'm not being big headed, Or atleast trying not to be. It's just that's what I'm told by people and my boss. I decided I'd get back whatever I lose for my boss by selling to others. Preying on gluttony. I feel disgusting doing it. I guess I just value my job too much.

Over and out.

I guess, when you've been asking yourself, how you feel about someone, over and over because well, you can't quite figure it out. I mean, Because the indecision is there. I guess it means that there is a chance. Well, tonight I got one of those "Pangs" of jealousy when she said something about some lad.


THIS IS NOT COOL.

I hope you dance 'till you burn. You and you're little bit.

I've got a theory we should work this out.

I've got a theory that this will never work out.

I've got a theory that I'm wasting my life on something pointless.

You doubt how much I care. Why should I care when you doubt it so much?
We've been here. We've been there. We've been everywhere but where we need to be.

Where's my 50!?

26.449 kills.

24.737 deaths.

This is Halo three.

I actually find it so ridiculous that I've killed twenty six thousand, four hundred and forty nine people in this game. kinda, goes to show how much time I spend at somethings. I guess I just love playing with the lads.

Lyrical empathhyyyyy.

This is a call to arms, gather soldiers.
It's time to go to war.
This is a battle song.
Brothers and sisters, It's time to go to war.
______________________________________

And don't be surprised if you feel so alive,
wait inside just hold on tight you'll be fine, you'll be fine.
______________________________________

Bonds were made, Bonds broken.
We four lads, We made the moment
We jumped, crashed and swung for the feeling.
______________________________________

My Life is a constant work in progress,
and I wouldn't have it any other way.
______________________________________

Here we lay again
On two separate beds
Riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
And pictures drawn from memory
We reflect on miscommunications
And misunderstandings
And missing each other too
Much to have had to let go
______________________________________

It’s possible to love someone
And not treat them in the way that you want
______________________________________

The changing times of the 21st century
Means nothing to me cos I would rather be
At the beginning of time, earth would be mine
Living in luxury
Discovering a world out there
Believing in the sun earth water and air
Take me there so I could see the world bloom
Standing on a sea cliff howling at the moon
______________________________________

Talking to god.

I know what you’re thinking. How the hell did you know it was god?

Well, I’ll explain as we go along, but basically he convinced me by having all, and I do mean ALL, the answers. Every question I flung at him he batted back with a plausible and satisfactory answer. In the end, it was easier to accept that he was god than otherwise.

Which is odd, because I’m still an atheist and we even agree on that!

It all started on the 8.20 back from Paddington. Got myself a nice window seat, no screaming brats or drunken hooligans within earshot. Not even a mobile phone in sight. Sat down, reading the paper and in he walks.

What did he look like?

Well not what you might have expected that’s for sure. He was about 30, wearing a pair of jeans and a “hobgoblin” tee shirt. Definitely casual. Looked like he could have been a social worker or perhaps a programmer like myself.

‘Anyone sitting here?’ he said.

‘Help yourself’ I replied.

Sits down, relaxes, I ignore and back to the correspondence on genetic foods entering the food chain…

Train pulls out and a few minutes later he speaks.

‘Can I ask you a question?’

Fighting to restrain my left eyebrow I replied ‘Yes’ in a tone which was intended to convey that I might not mind one question, and possibly a supplementary, but I really wasn’t in the mood for a conversation. ..

‘Why don’t you believe in god?’

The Bastard!

I love this kind of conversation and can rabbit on for hours about the nonsense of theist beliefs. But I have to be in the mood! It’s like when a jehova’s witness knocks on your door 20 minutes before you’re due to have a wisdom tooth pulled. Much as you’d really love to stay… You can’t even begin the fun. And I knew, if I gave my standard reply we’d still be arguing when we got to Cardiff. I just wasn’t in the mood. I needed to fend him off.

But then I thought ‘Odd! How is this perfect stranger so obviously confident – and correct – about my atheism?’ If I’d been driving my car, it wouldn’t have been such a mystery. I’ve got the Darwin fish on the back of mine – the antidote to that twee christian fish you see all over. So anyone spotting that and understanding it would have been in a position to guess my beliefs. But I was on a train and not even wearing my Darwin “Evolve” tshirt that day. And ‘The Independent’ isn’t a registered flag for card carrying atheists, so what, I wondered, had given the game away.

‘What makes you so certain that I don’t?’

‘Because’, he said, ‘ I am god – and you are not afraid of me’

You’ll have to take my word for it of course, but there are ways you can deliver a line like that – most of which would render the speaker a candidate for an institution, or at least prozac. Some of which could be construed as mildly amusing.

Conveying it as “indifferent fact” is a difficult task but that’s exactly how it came across. Nothing in his tone or attitude struck me as even mildly out of place with that statement. He said it because he believed it and his rationality did not appear to be drug induced or the result of a mental breakdown.

‘And why should I believe that?’

‘Well’ he said, ‘why don’t you ask me a few questions. Anything you like, and see if the answers satisfy your sceptical mind?’

This is going to be a short conversation after all, I thought.

‘Who am I?’

‘Stottle. Harry Stottle, born August 10 1947, Bristol, England. Father Paul, Mother Mary. Educated Duke of Yorks Royal Military School 1960 67, Sandhurst and Oxford, PhD in Exobiology, failed rock singer, full time trade union activist for 10 years, latterly self employed computer programmer, web author and aspiring philosopher. Married to Michelle, American citizen, two children by a previous marriage. You’re returning home after what seems to have been a successful meeting with an investor interested in your proposed product tracking anti-forgery software and protocol and you ate a full english breakfast at the hotel this morning except that, as usual, you asked them to hold the revolting english sausages and give you some extra bacon. ‘

He paused

‘You’re not convinced. Hmmm… what would it take to convince you?’

‘oh right! Your most secret password and its association’

A serious hacker might be able to obtain the password, but no one else and I mean

NO ONE

knows its association.

He did.

So how would you have played it?

I threw a few more questions about relatively insignificant but unpublicised details of my life (like what my mother claims was the first word I ever spoke – apparently “armadillo”! (Don’t ask…)) but I was already pretty convinced. I knew there were only three possible explanations at this point.

Possibility One was that I was dreaming or hallucinating. Nobody’s figured out a test for that so, at the time I think that was my dominant feeling. It did not feel real at the time. More like I was in a play. Acting my lines. Since the event, however, continuing detailed memories of it, together with my contemporaneous notes, remain available, so unless the hallucination has continued to this day, I am now inclined to reject the hallucination hypothesis. Which leaves two others.

He could have been a true telepath. No documented evidence exists of anyone ever having such profound abilities to date but it was a possibility. It would have explained how he could know my best-kept secrets. The problem with that is that it doesn’t explain anything else! In particular it doesn’t account for the answers he proceeded to give to my later questions.

As Sherlock Holmes says, when you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Good empiricist, Sherlock.

I was forced to accept at least the possibility that this man was who he claimed to be.

So now what do you do?

Well, I’ve always known that if I met god I would have a million questions for him, so I thought, ‘why not?’ and proceeded with what follows. You’ll have to allow a bit of license in the detail of the conversation. This was, shall we say, a somewhat unusual occurrence, not to mention just a BIT weird! And yes I was a little bit nervous! So if I don’t get it word perfect don’t whinge! You’ll get the gist I promise.

---

‘Forgive me if it takes me a little time to get up to speed here, but it’s not everyday I get to question a deity’

‘The Deity’ he interrupted.

‘ooh. Touchy!’ I thought.

‘Not really – just correcting the image’

Now That takes some getting used to!

I tried to get a grip on my thoughts, with an internal command – ‘Discipline Harry. You’ve always wanted to be in a situation like this, now you’re actually in it, you mustn’t go to pieces and waste the opportunity of a lifetime’

‘You won’t’ he said.

Tell you! That’s the bit that made it feel unreal more than anything else – this guy sitting across the table and very obviously accurately reading my every thought. It’s like finding someone else’s hand inside your trouser pocket!

Nevertheless, something made me inclined to accept the invasion, I had obviously begun to have some confidence in his perception or abilities, so I distinctly remember the effect of his words was that I suddenly felt deeply reassured and completely relaxed. As he had no doubt intended. Man must have an amazing seduction technique!

So then we got down to business…

‘Are you human?’

‘No’

‘Were you, ever?’

‘No, but similar, Yes’

‘Ah, so you are a product of evolution?’

‘Most certainly – mainly my own’

‘and you evolved from a species like ours, dna based organisms or something equally viable?’

‘Correct’

‘so what, exactly, makes you god?’

‘I did’

‘Why?’

‘Seemed like a good idea at the time’

‘and your present powers, are they in any way similar to what the superstitious believers in my species attribute to you?’

‘Close enough. ’

‘So you created all this, just for us?’

‘No. Of course not’

‘But you did create the Universe?’

‘This One. Yes’

‘But not your own?’

‘This is my own!’

‘You know what I mean!’

‘You can’t create your own parents, so No’

‘So let me get this straight. You are an entirely natural phenomenon.’

‘Entirely’

‘Arising from mechanisms which we ourselves will one day understand and possibly even master?’

‘subject to a quibble over who “we ourselves” may be, but yes’

‘meaning that if the human race doesn’t come up to the mark, other species eventually will?’

‘in one.’

‘and how many other species are there already out there ahead of us?’

‘surprisingly few. Less than fourteen million’

‘FEW!?’

‘Phew!’

‘And how many at or about our level?’

‘currently a little over 4 ½ billion’

‘so our significance in the universe at present is roughly equivalent to the significance of the average Joe here on planet Earth in his relation to the human race?’

‘a little less. Level One, the level your species has reached, begins with the invention of the flying machine. I define the next level in terms your Sci Fi Author Isaac Asimov has already grasped. It is reached when you achieve control of your own primary – the Sun. What Asimov calls a Type I technology. Humanity is only just into the flying machine phase, so as you can imagine, on that scale, the human race is somewhat near the bottom of the level one pack’

‘and all these species are your children?’

‘I like to think of them that way’

‘and the point?’

‘at its simplest, “Life Must Go On”. My personal motivation is the desire for conversation. Once you’ve achieved my level, you cease to be billions of separate entities and become one ecstatic whole. A single entity that cannot die, however advanced, or perhaps, more accurately, because it is so advanced, will get lonely and even a trifle bored! I seem to be the first. I do not intend to be the last’

‘so you created a Universe which is potentially capable of producing another god like yourself?’

‘The full benefit will be temporary, but like most orgasms, worth it.’

‘this being the moment when our new god merges with you and we become one again?’

‘don’t play it down, that’s the ecstatic vision driving us all, me included – and when it happens the ecstasy lasts several times longer than this universe has already existed. Believe me, it really is worth the effort.’

‘Yes, I think I can see the attractions of a hundred billion year long orgasm’

‘and humans haven’t even begun to know how to really enjoy the orgasms they are already capable of. Wait till you master that simple art!’

‘So it’s all about sex is it?’

‘Ecstasy is merely a reward for procreating, it is what makes you want to do it. This is necessary, initially, to promote biological evolution. However once you’ve completed that stage and no longer require procreation, you will learn that ecstasy can be infinitely more intense than anything offered by sex’

‘Sounds good to me!’

‘How direct is your involvement in all this? Did you just light the fuse which set off the big bang and stand back and watch? Or did you have to plant the seeds on appropriately fertile planets?’

‘The seeds evolved in deep space, purely as a result of the operations of the laws of physics and chemistry which your scientists have begun to attain a reasonable grasp of. Yes I triggered the bang and essentially became dormant for nearly 5 billion years. That’s how long it took the first lifeforms to emerge. That places them some 8 billion years ahead of you. The first intelligent species are now 4.3 billion years ahead of you. Really quite advanced. I can have deeply meaningful conversations with them. And usually do. In fact I am as we speak’

‘So then what?’

‘Do I keep a constant vigil over every move you make? Not in the kind of prying intrusive sense that some of you seem to think. Let’s say I maintain an awareness of what’s going on, at a planetary level. I tend only to focus on evolutionary leaps. See if they’re going in the right direction’

‘And if they’re not?’

‘Nothing. Usually’

‘Usually?’

‘Usually species evolving in the wrong direction kill themselves off or become extinct for other reasons’

‘Usually?’

‘There have been one or two cases where a wrong species has had the potential of becoming dominant at the expense of a more promising strain’

‘Let me guess. Dinosaurs on this planet are an example. Too successful. Suppressed the development of mammals and were showing no signs of developing intelligence. So you engineered a little corrective action in the form of a suitably selected asteroid’

‘Perceptive. Almost correct. They were showing signs of developing intelligence, even co-operation. Study your velocirapters. But far too predatory. Incapable of ever developing a “respect” for other life forms. It takes carrying your young to promote the development of emotional attachment to other animals. Earth reptiles aren’t built for that. The mammals who are, as you rightly say, couldn’t get a foothold against such mighty predators. You’ve now reached the stage where you could hold your own even against dinosaurs, but that’s only been true for about a thousand years, you wouldn’t have stood a chance 2 million years ago, so the dinosaurs had to go. They were, however, far too well balanced with the ecology of the planet, and never developed technology, so they weren’t going to kill themselves off in a hurry. Regrettably, I had to intervene.’

‘Regrettably?’

‘They were a beautiful and stunningly successful life form. One doesn’t destroy such things without a qualm.’

‘But at that stage how could you know that a better prospect would arise from the ashes?’

‘I didn’t. But the probability was quite high.’

‘and since then, what other little tweaks have you been responsible for in our development?’

‘None whatsoever. I set an alarm for the first sign of aerial activity, as I usually do. Leonardo looked promising for a while, but not until the Montgolfier brothers did I really begin to take an interest. That registered you as a level one intelligent species’

‘So Jesus of Nazareth, Moses, Mohammed…’

‘hmmm… sadly misguided I’m afraid. Anyone capable of communicating with their own cells will dimly perceive me – and all other life as being connected in a strictly quantum sense, but interpreting that vision as representing something supernatural and requiring obeisance is somewhat wide of the mark. And their followers are all a bit too obsessive and religious for my liking. It’s no fun being worshiped once you stop being an adolescent teenager. Having said that, it’s not at all unusual for developing species to go through that phase. Until they begin to grasp how much they too can shape their small corner of the universe, they are in understandable awe of an individual dimly but correctly perceived to be responsible for the creation of the whole of that universe. Eventually, if they are to have any hope of attaining level two, they must grow out of it and begin to accept their own power and potential. It’s very akin to a child’s relationship with its parents. The awe and worship must disappear before the child can become an adult. Respect is not so bad as long as it’s not overdone. And I certainly respect all those species who make it that far. It’s a hard slog. I know. I’ve been there.’

‘You’ve been watching us since the Montgolfiers, when was that? 1650s?’

‘Close. 1783’

‘Well, if you’ve been watching us closely since then, what your average citizen is going to want to know is why you haven’t intervened more often. Why, if you have that sort of power, did you allow such incredible suffering and human misery?’

‘It seems to be necessary.’

‘NECESSARY??!!’

‘Without exception, intelligent species who gain dominance over their planet do so by becoming the most efficient predators. There are many intelligent species who do not evolve to dominate their planet. Like your dolphins, they adapt perfectly to the environment rather than take your course, which is to manipulate the environment. Unfortunately for the dolphin, his is a dead end. He may outlive the human race but will never escape the bounds of planet earth – not without your help at any rate. Only those who can manipulate the world they live in can one day hope to leave it and spread their seed throughout the universe.

Unlike the adaptors, who learn the point of cooperation fairly early on, manipulators battle on. And, once all lesser species have been overcome, they are so competitive and predatory that they are compelled to turn in on themselves. This nearly always evolves into tribal competition in one form or another and becomes more and more destructive – exactly like your own history. However this competition is vital to promote the leap from biological to technological evolution.

You need an arms race in order to make progress.

Your desire to dominate fuels a search for knowledge which the adaptors never require. And although your initial desire for knowledge is selfish and destructive, it begins the development of an intellectual self awareness, a form of higher consciousness, which never emerges in any other species. Not even while they are experiencing it, for example, can the intelligent adaptors – your dolphins – express the concepts of Love or Time.

Militarization and the development of weapons of mass destruction are your first serious test at level one. You’re still not through that phase, though the signs are promising. There is no point whatsoever in my intervening to prevent your self-destruction. Your ability to survive these urges is a crucial test of your fitness to survive later stages. So I would not, never have and never will intervene to prevent a species from destroying itself. Most, in fact, do just that.’

‘And what of pity for those have to live through this torment?’

‘I can’t say this in any way that doesn’t sound callous, but how much time do you spend worrying about the ants you run over in your car? I know it sounds horrendous to you, but you have to see the bigger picture. At this stage in human development, you’re becoming interesting but not yet important.’

‘ah but I can’t have an intelligent conversation with an ant’

‘precisely’

‘hmm… as you know, humans won’t like even to attempt to grasp that perspective. How can you make it more palatable?’

‘Why should I? You don’t appear to have any trouble grasping it. You’re by no means unique. And in any case, once they begin to understand what’s in it for them, they’ll be somewhat less inclined to moan. Eternal life compensates for most things.’

‘So what are we supposed to do in order to qualify for membership of the universal intelligentsia?’

‘Evolve. Survive’

‘Yes, but how?’

‘Oh, I thought you might have got the point by now. “How” is entirely up to you. If I have to help, then you’re a failure. All I will say is this. You’ve already passed a major hurdle in learning to live with nuclear weapons. It’s depressing how many fail at that stage.’

‘Is there worse to come?’

‘Much’

‘Genetic warfare for instance?

‘Distinct Possibility’

‘and the problem is… that we need to develop all these technologies, acquire all this dangerous knowledge in order to reach level two. But at any stage that knowledge could also cause our own destruction’

‘If you think the dangers of genetic warfare are serious, imagine discovering a secret thought or program, accessible to any intelligent individual, which, if abused, will eliminate your species instantly. If your progress continues as is, then you can expect to discover that particular self-destruct mechanism in less than a thousand years. Your species has got to grow up considerably before you can afford to make that discovery. And if you don’t make it, you will never leave your Solar System and join the rest of the sapient species on level two.’

’14 Million of them’

‘Just under’

‘Will there be room for us?’

‘it’s a big place’

‘and, for now, how should we mere mortals regard you then?’

‘like an older brother or sister. Of course I know more than you do. Of course I’m more powerful than you. I’ve been alive longer. But I’m not “better” than you. Just more developed. Just what you might become’

‘so we’re not obliged to “please” you or follow your alleged guidelines or anything like that?’

‘absolutely not. Never issued a single guideline in the lifetime of this Universe. Have to find your own way out of the maze. And one early improvement is to stop expecting me – or anyone else – to come and help you out.’

‘I suppose that is a guideline of sorts, so there goes the habit of a lifetime! ‘

‘Seriously though, species who hold on to religion past its sell-by date tend to be most likely to self destruct. They spend so much energy arguing about my true nature, and invest so much emotion in their wildly erroneous imagery that they end up killing each other over differences in definitions of something they clearly haven’t got a clue about. Ludicrous behaviour, but it does weed out the weaklings.’

‘Why me? Why pick on an atheist of all people? Why are you telling me all this? And why Now?’

‘Why You? Because can accept my existence without your ego caving in and grovelling like a naughty child. ‘

‘Can you seriously imagine how the Pope would react to the reality of my existence?! If he really understood how badly wrong he and his church have been, how much of the pain and suffering you mentioned earlier has been caused by his religion, I suspect he’d have an instant coronary! Or can you picture what it would be like if I appeared “live” simultaneously on half a dozen tele-evangelist propaganda shows. Pat Robertson would wet himself if he actually understood who he was talking to.

Conversely, your interest is purely academic. You’ve never swallowed the fairy tale but you’ve remained open to the possibility of a more advanced life form which could acquire godlike powers. You’ve correctly guessed that godhood is the destiny of life. You have shown you can and do cope with the concept. It seemed reasonable to confirm your suspicions and let you do what you will with that information.

You can and will publish this conversation on the web, where it will sow an important seed. Might take a couple of hundred years to germinate, but, eventually, it will germinate.

Why Now? Well partly because both you and the web are ready now. But chiefly because the human race is reaching a critical phase. It goes back to what we were saying about the dangers of knowledge. Essentially your species is becoming aware of that danger. When that happens to any sapient species, the future can take three courses.

Many are tempted to avoid the danger by avoiding the knowledge. Like the adaptors, they are doomed to extinction. Often pleasantly enough in the confines of their own planet until either their will to live expires or their primary turns red giant and snuffs them out.

A large number go on blindly acquiring the knowledge and don’t learn to restrain their abuse. Their fate is sealed somewhat more quickly of course, when Pandora’s box blows up in their faces.

The only ones who reach level two are those who learn to accept and to live with their most dangerous knowledge. Each and every individual in such a species must eventually become capable of destroying their entire species at any time. Yet they must learn to control themselves to the degree that they can survive even such deadly insight. And frankly, they’re the only ones we really want to see leaving their solar systems. Species that haven’t achieved that maturity could not be allowed to infect the rest of the universe, but fortunately that has never required my intervention. The knowledge always does the trick’

‘Why can’t there be a fourth option – selective research where we avoid investigating dangerous pathways?’

‘As you can see from your own limited history, the most useful ideas are also, nearly always, the most dangerous. You have yet, for instance, to conquer fusion power but you need to do so in order to achieve appropriate energy surpluses required to complete this phase of your social development. It will, when you’ve mastered it, eliminate material inequalities and poverty within a generation or two, an absolutely vital step for any maturing species. Yet the discovery of the principles which will soon yield this beneficial bounty could, had you abused them, have ended your attempt at civilisation.

Similarly, you will shortly be able to conquer biological diseases and even engineer yourselves to be virtually fault free. Your biological life spans will double or treble within the next hundred years and your digital lifespans will become potentially infinite within the same period: If you survive the potential threat that the same technology provides in the form of genetic timebombs, custom built viruses and the other wonders of genetic and digital warfare.

You simply can’t have the benefits without taking the risks’.

‘I’m not sure I understand my part in this exercise. I just publish this conversation on the web and everything will be alright?’

‘Not necessarily. Not that easy I’m afraid. To start with, who’s going to take this seriously? It will just be seen as a mildly amusing work of fiction. In fact, your words and indeed most of your work will not be understood or appreciated until some much more advanced scholars develop the ideas you are struggling to express and explain them somewhat more competently. At which point the ideas will be taken up en masse and searches will be undertaken of the archives. They will find this work and be struck by its prescience. You won’t make the Einstein grade, but you might manage John the Baptist!

This piece will have no significance whatsoever if humanity doesn’t make certain key advances in the next couple of centuries. And this won’t help you make those advances. What it will do is help you recognise them’

‘can I ask what those advances may be?’

‘I think you know. But yes – although you are at level one, there are several distinct phases which evolving species pass through on their way to level two. The first, as we’ve discussed, is the invention of the flying machine. The next significant phase is the development of the thinking machine.

At your present rate of progress, you are within a few decades of achieving that goal. It marks your first step on the path of technological evolution. Mapping the human genome is another classic landmark, but merely mapping it is a bit like viewing the compiled code in a dos executable. It’s just meaningless gibberish, although with a bit of hacking here and there, you might correctly deduce the function of certain stretches of code.

What you really need to do is ‘reverse engineer’ the DNA code. You have to figure out the grammar and syntax of the language. Then you will begin the task of designing yourselves. But that task requires the thinking machine’

‘You say you avoid intervention. But doesn’t this conversation itself constitute intervention – even if people alive now completely ignore it?’

‘Yes. But it’s as far as I’m prepared to go. Its only effect is to confirm, if you find it, that you are on the right path. It is still entirely up to you to navigate the dangers on that path and beyond.’

‘But why bother even with that much? Surely it’s just another evolutionary hurdle. We’re either fit enough or not…’

‘In many ways the transition to an information species is the most traumatic stage in evolution. Biological intelligences have a deeply rooted sense of consciousness only being conceivable from within an organic brain. Coming to terms with the realisation that you have created your successor, not just in the sense of mother and child, but in the collective sense of the species recognising it has become redundant, this paradigm shift is, for many species, a shift too far. They baulk at the challenge and run from this new knowledge. They fail and become extinct. Yet there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them – it is a failure of the imagination.

I hope that if I can get across the concept that I am a product of just such evolution, it may give them the confidence to try. I have discussed this with the level two species and the consensus is that this tiny prod is capable of increasing the contenders for level two without letting through any damaging traits. It has been tried in 312 cases. The jury is still out on its real benefits although it has produced a 12% increase in biological species embracing the transition to information species.

‘Alright, so what if everyone suddenly took it seriously and believed every word I write? Wouldn’t that constitute a somewhat more drastic intervention?’

‘Trust me. They wont’

‘and so it’s still the case, that, should another asteroid happen to be heading our way, you will do nothing to impede it on our behalf?’

‘I’m confident you will pass that test. And now my friend, the interview is over, you have asked me a number of the right questions, and I’ve said what I came to say, so I’ll be going now. It has been very nice to meet you – you’re quite bright. For an ant!’ He twinkled.

‘Just one final, trivial question, why do you appear to me in the form of a thirty something white male?’

‘have I in any way intimidated or threatened you?’

‘No’

‘Do you find me sexually attractive?’

‘er No!’

‘So figure it out for yourself…’

I love how, you can start talking to some one who has become a stranger, even if she is an ex, you can talk about meeting up and going for a drink to catch up. Yet when you see her out and about, You say Hi and she practically blanks you. What. The. Fuck. Is. The. Point? Honestly.

Another thing, Like lads. I don't care if your piss drunk there's somethings you don't say to girls you don't know as they walk by.

This post comes from tonight, I seen my ex. I mean, I've always thought I've done better than I deserved when it comes to girls. These lads were shouting stuff at this girl, who was my ex. She's a beaut. I'll swear that down right here and now. I just said, lads leave it out. she's my ex and she's pretty sound. They all actually just stopped then started congratulating me on how I was with her. Lads do that, It's funny.

This happened twice tonight. Twice. Two different girls. One was even my brother.

I love the night life.

I actually had the laughs last night. Alright given that not everyone I wanted to come out, was out. It was still really good. Tighearnan, Tigernan, Tirney, Tiggers or afroman. Whatever you go by these days. Stop living in Limerick. Holy shit I didn't realize how much I missed having the laughs with you until last night. Sup bro.

I liked tonight, hanging out with people. I drank a lot tonight and kinda just walked around. I was pretty much drunk but didn't go into as much rambling as usual.

Fibbbers again next week yo! :D

15.7.10

I don't know if you've noticed. We've grown apart again. I know people talk less when one gets a girlfriend or a boyfriend, however with you I actually will take a step out. I will purposefully create a void with you because of the thing you do while you have a boyfriend.

1. Talk to me about him constantly. Swear you'd get it after your last 4 boyfriends. You like douchebags. I don't want to hear how lads are fucking you over.
2. If you don't have plans with him, you are forever unhappy.

I could list more, I just don't feel like turning this into a hate post. Just a minor dislike post.

Old friendships never die.

I had my doubts, But I believed somehow, If we all stuck together. We could change our fate.

I haven't kept this up to date really. Theres been alot going on. Stuff, I guess I'm just not alright with sharing so publicly, not because I don't want to. It's more because, I'm terribly afraid of posting anything that specifically involves someone else because they might not see the same story/situation as I do, therefore my version could be bias/wrong as could theirs. It's just easier not to do this.

Lately though, has had it's ups and it's downs. The downs are just downs. Everyone has them. Everyone deals with them. Everyone lives with them. We are human.
The Up's though have been so good. I guess one of the main points is that I've been going to fibbers again. Fibbers is a horrible place. It's a total dive. People there are usually complete cunts. It's summer though. People are up for going out. Everyones been going to fibbers again. Take Eddy's birthday, (Happy birthday bro, another good year down) 1st of July. We hit fibbers with the lads. It was Rosie's birthday too. (Happy birthday girl) She had people out, He had people out. I asked people to come out too. I had a lot people to talk to that night.
Rhy's you know, being the lad showed up with a fake Id and a pink holister T-shirt and white shoes, got told to fuck off by the bouncer. Hard luck son. Mike got in though, His first night out with the boys. I just said boys, not lads. meh, I'll roll with it. The night was also really about the fact that. It was like the old days.
Dublins small, When I was 14-16 The "Town on saturday/bankie kids" was a tiny group. So going out that night, I seen so many people that since we all kinda grew the fuck up and stopped hanging around in town. Two in particular were these girls I used to talk to a lot. I love catch up conversations. I've been putting in the effort to talk to them more now because, they are pretty cool and I'd like to have them in my life a bit more. People who drop out of your life for no reason suck. The ones that come back into and you talk like you had seen them just yesterday are great though. The night was a great laugh. Even Ais came up from portloaise and Steph came down from Belfast. We had the complete laughs. Then like, for some reason, Myself, Eddy, Jay, Mike, Ray, Rosie, Steph and Ais stayed in mine. Six of us staying in my room was a bad idea. I think only eddy got to sleep that night, I managed to get asleep around 10am. for an hour before I got back up as people were leaving. Amazing night.

Fibbers again tomorrow for the laughs with eddy. Might even get a few games of pool in with Colly too. It's so good.

College is back on my mind. I've got a psychology essay to repeat. I really don't wanna do this. I would love to have just passed. Sadly I didn't ugh.

It's funny. I was out the other night, watching Spain vs Germany with friends. That night really made me want to be out more. I miss people. That night made me see it. Not everyone was out but still. It was lovely. The chats and the laughs. It was like old times.

We met up the other day, It was nice. I love how we sit in starbucks and just talk for hours. We just click when we converse. It's nice.

This blog I guess, has come to a central theme of talking to people that I've fallen out of contact with.

I'm not sure if you've a problem with me talking about this. If you do. I'll take this down.
You called me last night. I had not heard from you in a long time, I tried to call, I tried to communicate. I got no reply. Out of the blue, you asked me to call, and I called. You explained yourself to me. I know you're going through the roughest time. I'm just happy you chose me to talk to, I'll always be here for you when you need me. That's what I want to be for you, I want to be your rock.

Last but not least.

Dear girl, What is this? tell me please.

Love and War.

Tonights, one of them nights that i'd love to be anywhere else, doing anything else, with anyone else. In reality I'm stuck with me myself and I.

Something hit me, tonight a lot of things I said would be filed under F for forget in my brain came rushing back to my mind. I'm past you. I'm past everything you ever stood for in my life.
Tonight, someone said something to me and I just.. I just...

I remember sneaking you into my room, just to sleep. I didn't care for anything else, We didn't care for what was outside of the outline of my bed. That was our castle. That was the extent of the world. We'd mumble conversations. We'd laugh about silly things. We would be in a sleepy stupor. I know you'd ask to come down when things weren't going good for you. It was my job to help you to just forget about it. I remember nearly getting caught, my hearts never beat so fast. I miss falling asleep on the hottest nights, and seeing the freckles on your shoulder. How your skin was always colder. See, Dan le Sac shines here again. I'm done now. this was me letting it out. Now it's gone. Get out of my system. I've been done with you a very long time.

Today was traumatic

So today, I nearly killed a little girl.
I was cycling to work, and people from the match in Croke park and this woman was walking with her child, holding her hand on one side, and the pram in front of her, I mean the child is about 4-5 years old. Small with black hair. Sucha a Baba. Suddenly, this kid comes darting out from her mams side and into the path of my bike. I come so so close, within 2 feet of kneeing her in the head. It all happened so fast. I used my left hand to jam on the break, and I skidded forward then I actually managed to grab this childs hand with my right hand. picking the child up about half a foot in the air and out of the way of my bike. I then stop very quickly when the break started to work and I fell off my bike but since the kid was in the air and a bit forward the kid landed on it's feet.. I ended up on the ground sprawled out on my side and in alot of pain. .
Holy shit. It was amazing. It was terrifying. It was actually something I never hope to repeat ever. I am so so throughly happy with myself that, I'd put someone else's safety before my own

I've had this discussion with my mate Eddy numerous times. What it would be like to put your life on the line for something. Weather it'd be in war fighting for your country. To fight someone because they are being attacked in the street, Or simply to have someones back whenever they need it. Could you make the ultimate sacrifice for a friend, family or the person you love? I've always thought I could. Saying this, I believe with my entire being that you CAN NEVER KNOW THIS FOR CERTAIN until the moment that this choice has to be made, the fight or flight decision.

I've been in a lot of fights. I've never in my life started a fight. I've got one rule with fights, Avoid them, they are pointless, If you've no other choice. Defend Yourself and do it well, If you beat someone easy then it's less likely others will try, in saying this, I've always been the first in line to stand beside my friends when they get into one. I know that I will always have their back when they need me. I've made that choice before so many times, that it's not a choice. It's just how it is. I just will always wonder, would I take it to the next level? Would I, or more so, could I do it? I like to think I would and could. I just believe I wont know, until the time comes, and it's too late.

Shibbity beebop

I'm going to teach my Bambi to fucking eat people.

That is all for now.

I actually have alot to write about. Whenever I get around to it.

These little things you find on the internet. The little sayings you only ever find online. I actually just said the same thing twice but using different words. I'm really thinking too much if I can do that without noticing.

Things like the following:

"Apologizing does not mean that you are wrong and the other person is right.
It just means that you value your relationship more than your Ego."

“I’ve been making a list of the things they don’t teach you at school. They don’t teach you how to love somebody. They don’t teach you how to be famous. They don’t teach you how to be rich or how to be poor. They don’t teach you how to walk away from someone you don’t love any longer. They don’t teach you how to know what’s going on in someone else’s mind. They don’t teach you what to say to someone who’s dying. They don’t teach you anything worth knowing.”

"They say the truth hurts. That's true, but lies hurt more."

"If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, Then you've got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience"

There are so many others out there, these are just the 4 I had to hand when writing this.


While I was in town today, I ran into two old friends who I know have always been "close" You know, the kind that sit close, but never too close. I don't know why they are still like that. They just are. I was so sure today though, When I asked "Are you guys together?" They both looked at me. I said something I shouldn't have. My mate just said "oh no, were just friends"

I'm sure everyones had to say this once atleast to someone. It's happened to me, and you know. When you wanna be with someone, or tell them how you even feel might be more than friendship and then you have to reply, "oh no, were just friends" That shit fucking stings. So I guess what I'm tryna say is that, next time you have to say it. Be conscious of who you're saying it about. You don't know what they could be hiding. You could be hurting someone if you react and say it too quickly. Just think.

Lift your head up billy buddy.

Which to bury, Us or the hatchet.

I know you think I'm giving you short answers. I know you're trying to make something out of it too. The reason you are getting short answers is because we fight too much. I can't actually fight with you anymore. It tears at me.



I tried to move you on, but you wouldn't budge.
I tried to hold you're hand but you'd rather hold your grudge,