29.3.10

This is getting harder. I don't know. I got hurt I guess. Didn't I say I wouldn't? I lied without the intention of doing so. I've to try my hardest for nothing to change. It's hard. I'm pulling it off though, I think. I don't know what I'm supposed to do next time though.

Life's been shit lately. I'm trying to not think about being robbed. I'm trying not to think about college. So I'm going to be happy.

Distrought.

Shittest weekend ever. That is all.

27.3.10

I don't care, no I wouldn't dare to fix the twist in you.

26.3.10

I'm shit at texting these days. I can't seem to remember to look at my phone. Sorry for anyone who is getting annoyed at this.

Are people supposed to ignore the hurtful things friends say because you love them?
Everyone has faults, and if the fault is their opinion of you, then either you have brought the opinion on yourself or they managed to place it upon you for some wrong reason.

How can you change this opinion in the long term? As far as I would think, you cant confront them about it as they would either react badly, or just not let you see that they see you that way anymore. I have changed. I like to think I have, I'll act the part I always have, because It's plain Fake confidence. I'm king of my arena, or I used to be. Now, things have changed and I'm out of that Arena. I'm onto something different and to be quite honest. I get scared shitless.
I'm getting away from the point, How can you change the opinion of someone who's never there to see the difference?

I'm trying to work out a Fair bit more, Sit ups, Push ups. My bellys always been a monster. I just miss the clear outline of arm muscle :(

I started this post with something nagging at my mind. I don't know if hurt was your intention tonight, I know It does be sometimes when you are not the center of my attention. I tried to make you understand something the other night. I got the answers I wanted, to a reasonable extent. I'm happy for that. I guess I'm much easier to keep happy than you are. Your words don't fade from my mind as easy as yours do mine. Grá

Thinking back.

People Say crazily hurtful things, In passing conversation.

Moneyyys

Todays the day I go get my grant cheque. I am excited.

23.3.10

Truth is, no one keeps family and home as close as they should.

I'm not going to explain this as it should mean something different to everyone.

My mother was very drunk on Saturday night when I arrived home from work. We had the chats two hours later at 3 am. I couldn't believe we ended up talking about the credit union at 3am, while she was still half pissed. I'll remember this forever.

She told me something, that made me see my dad in a new light. Not to say it's something I have never noticed. It's when it's brought to my attention I just see it clearer.

She called my dad something, a word that gets the greatest respect from me. Grafter.
My dad's a Grafter. A hard worker. A provider. She went on to tell me about him a little bit.

Tomorrow I think I'll ask her to tell me about my dad before they were married.

Barren.

When I started this I said i would just write whatever was on my mind. I wouldn't use names so people wouldn't get some things might be about them. This stupidly seems to mean that if i write something about someone thats not nice, some people assume it was about them. When it clearly wasn't. I don't write as much here anymore because of this.

"I don't want anyone but you."

Bitch please, you must have some mental disease,
so assume the position and get down on your knees.

Oh Ferdia, I love how vulgar you are sometimes.

Saturday night, was Danny's birthday party. The boy that's now a man is officially 18.
The last in my group of friends to go 18. Now, It's all about going 21. Which is alot closer to me than is comfortable. I just don't want to go over twenty. Saying that, I never wanted to go past 19. I don't know what it is about it. I just don't like this.
Danny's house was class. My boss kept me in till half 10 when i was only supposed to be in till 9.
I got to Danny's later than I had wanted and without the people I wanted to bring with me but i still had a great time. Pictures were taken, loud music was played and I seen people I had not seen in ages. I LOVED IT. I think I got home around about 4.30, which is quite late for Group styled parties since, well we all still live and home and our parents don't go away that much.
I went to work with the most stupid head on me, It took me a good 15 seconds to take 17 from 50, when giving someone change. I laughed it off quite well though, The girl was pretty hot.

This week, honestly You know you're hardcore at knowing how to have a good time, when you sit around the table with the lads, your brother and sister and play cluedo. Seriously it's a good laugh aha. It's St Patricks day this week. It means one thing to most people. LETS GET FUCK UP, Which i cant exactly disagree with. I have been looking forward to this for this for a long long time. BUT with all good things something fucked up. It doesn't look like my Garda I.d will get here in time so I'm left with two chances, Bring my birth cert and college I.d out with me and hope to get in, or go spend about 100 quid on a new passport in the morning to get it done in one day. I think I'll risk ruining it and go with my college I.d/birth cert. I'm trying to save money right now.

What is it with lads and being dick heads? Every girl likes being protected. They want to feel wanted. As far as I'm told this is completely true. Some lads take it too far, "I don't like him, you're not allowed to see him 1 on 1" Fair enough, I get that a lad can be afraid of the girl running off with some other lad, but i still think this is a bit stupid. "I don't like him, you're not allowed to text him" fuck that mate. Your girls with you because she likes you, maybe even loves you. She's just not you're fucking property. As far as hinting, If you seen me and her together hanging out when you said "she's not allowed" That you'd go mental at me about it, and have a go at her about it later. Here lad go for it. I'm not fucking afraid of you. I'd put you down so fast, I'd hardly say I'd be putting effort into it, if it meant she didn't get upset over it. This will never happen, on the pure reason I don't think you'd be man enough to even talk to me, let alone confront me.

I want to talk more, but it's late and I'm up early So I've been told.

14.3.10

Sitting in work on my break tonight, having a nice conversation with someone on the phone, the conversation ends and I go back to eating my (free) pizza and my boss asks me, "Do you love the person you were just on the phone to?" I look at him and say, "Yeah I do, why?" He goes, "What's her name?" I laughed and said "the lads name is Jay and he's my best mate" He just laughed for ages.

I love this song, so much.

The Beat That My Heart Skipped - Dan Le Sac Vs. Scroobius Pip

Every now and then I cower and I need to find empowerment
Empowerment is paramount to how I can begin to mount
A plan that I can implement
to make a dent on ignorance
Instead of drunk belligerence
and the dissidence of miscreants
Especially in this instance
with the never ending persistence
to use the words in each sentence
as if they were blunt instruments
to beat a hole in the defence
of this beauty and her innocence
which serves to just build resistance
in spite of all my good intents.

The beat that my heart skipped

This is the beat that my heart skipped when we first met
Now that I’ve heard it, it leaves me with a kind of regret
No disrespect
We just left a lot of people upset
And what we had wasn’t really what we’d come to expect

Well good god damn and other such phrases
I haven’t heard a beat like this in ages
To miss such a beat would have been outrageous
But when you heart skips a beat its ruthless and aimless

She caught my attention in her fishnets
Then she reeled me in expecting nothing more than kissed necks and quick sex
But that weren’t the case with this platinum princess
She’s attracted my interest
So I wanted to impress….
Upon her all the positive things
That come form having more than just a one night fling
But that’s something that’s easier in theory than in practice
Since pick up lines are tactics
To get prey to the mattress
And this actress
Is practiced
In shunning such theatrics
When put upon daily by tactless geriatrics

So my genuine advances are met with po-faced scepticism
Throwing complements but she just straight elects to miss them
Her lips were put on this earth for dispersing wisdom
God forbid I suggest she lets me kiss them

But I really want to know what she thinks of me
Because I’m loving every idiosyncrasy
But I ain’t one to jump through hoops to make a 1st impression
Been there, done that, learnt the worst of lessons
We want to be loved for who we appear to be instead of who we are
So I real selves take a backseat behind the pomp and the façade
And that’s as true of the rude boys, downing pints and acting hard
As of the kids shunning convention with clinical disregard

This is the beat that my heart skipped when we first met
Now that I’ve heard it, it leaves me with a kind of regret
No disrespect
We just left a lot of people upset
And what we had wasn’t really what we’d come to expect

Every now and then I cower and I need to find empowerment
Empowerment is paramount to how I can begin to mount
A plan that I can implement
to make a dent on ignorance
Instead of drunk belligerence
and the dissidence of miscreants
Especially in this instance
with the never ending persistence
to use the words in each sentence
as if they were blunt instruments
to beat a hole in the defence
of this beauty and her innocence
which serves to just build resistance
in spite of all my good intents.

The beat that my heart skipped

Cowardly

Twice.

Twice i have tried to write something here tonight. I'll get into trouble with you for it, either because I shouldn't doubt what I'm thinking about or because what's in my head is not the same as what's in yours. It questions that basis of one of the foundations of my life. I don't think I'm brave enough. I'm afraid of the answer.

10.3.10

A few things have happened in the last few days, for one, and im sure not only I have noticed this. THE FUCKING SUN IS SHINING! roll on summer bruv.

Work, I'm now on a 3 days a week, and 2 and a half day a week bi-weekly roster, to try allow some kind of social life. I guess it will have to make do. In 7-11 on the 2nd week. That hurts but it kinda works if I want to go to an all age gig on the saturday :)

In college, I lied. I lied to qualify for a grant. Given the currant econmic climate I had to do it. My mother being so hell bent on me going to college, paid for my college fee's on her credit card. Bad idea right? Well, My mother seems to care about my future.. I was told today, I would Quailify. I'm not sure how much but I will be getting some. Since I Live comfortably on what I earn and I feel im quite generous with my money. I await Monday to fully find out what's going on. I still think it was wrong to lie about it. I can lie to a form, and post it to someone to look at, but i had to stand there and lie to the girl who was only doing her job and asking me about it. I hated that.

I've been thinking alot about growing apart from people, I hate when this happens, but it happens to everyone sometimes. The only difference is that some people always come back after a while you know? Sometimes others don't or just take longer. You obviously got along well enough the first time, there was a connection or else you wouldn't miss them if they left. So I want to just talk about things, that should be plainly obvious to some people that it's about them.

it's been sunny, I have walked home from college the last two days. I walked past you're road. It's annoying. Being plain and blunt, I was told everyone thought a previous entry was about you. It's not but now looking back i can seriously see why everyone thought it was. It's not though. It was about someone else. I don't think I could be like that to you after everything. I feel very weird writing an apoligie for something I never considered to be about you. I am sorry if you thought that was about you. I just know, you have a problem with me, atleast I think you do and being perfectly honest it bug's the shit out of me. To not talk to someone, it takes a strong reason. We were close, a while back. I loved that closeness. You brought me to your debs, I remembered when you asked me, I was actually so excited and It meant something proper to me. I have alot of good memories of jokes and conversations with you. I'd mention more but this again, is public so I wont. I know, things will probably not ever go back to how they were but I would atleast try be friends again.

It's 4,01 am. Where are you? I remember I used to have to drag myself off the computer when you insisted in staying online. I'm used to not sleeping, but EVERYONE else sleeps eventually. You girl just stay up for as long as I did. I met my match and I found that oddly attractive. We were so close, Like i said to you, when we recently started talking again, I didn't spend every day talking to you, to not pay attention to the things you siad. I know sometime soon, I'm gonna be like "Yo" and you're going to reply "Heya or Hey" and were going to be up all night again. Just like old times. :)

I miss you something terrible. It's scary sometimes. You're never that far away. You also send me nice texts, when you think about me randomly. I like them. I smile alot when i get them. I understand your reasons for moving back home. I just enjoyed having you close for a while. It made a difference in my life. We are not as close as we were when you first moved up, but sure I know were the kinda mates who will, after no matter how long we spend apart, see each other and talk like we seen each other the day before. Strangley enough, I regard patting girls on the head "Your" thing now. I don't do it (very much) to other girls anymore. If that means something, cool If not. I miss you. Enjoy boston. You need it babe.

06.3.10

Another Saturday, another wasted Saturday. I've been going on recently about trying to re-assemble my social life, I changed days in my job from saturday to tuesday, I ended up getting to work both, which was alright for the money really, So I didn't mind. My boss said give him two weeks to sort it out, I ended up with it for 5 weeks. I'ts cool I could live with the money. Finally he hire's someone else, that as far as i know would work saturdays and I'd be off. It's funny how nothing goes to plan isnt it? So since I don't have saturdays off, I'll miss nadia's birthday dinner tonight, johanna's birthday party after. I might even miss danny's eighteenth. It's getting to be really shit lately. I just need some semblance of life back...I'm sinking.

Today i deleted your number in an attempt to get you out of my system, I don't think it will help, it's been long enough and I haven't been able to flush you from my system. I guess I'm not that strong enough. I know this is even unfair on you, You never promised me anything, I knew I'd have to be lucky because well, I'm aware of the fatal realisations that I'm usually good enough to be a best mate, but nothing more. I can live with this with you though. It's harder than it was but I'm a big boy, I'll manage. It helps to know, I'll always be close when you call, I'll always come running when you want me to. It helps for me to know You'll never be lonely and You'll always be loved aslong as you pick someone who make's you happy. I know you're not the foolhardy type to just pick any lad with you're eyes, even when he's a dickhead. So good luck babe. Text me if you feel like it x

I'm always cheered up by you, When i want to just get covered up, and relax with you're there. I never even need to ask, you never refuse to spend time with me. You don't get annoyed by my dog like everyone else does. He loves you just as much as i do. When its important you know? to always be able to do what you do for me, I really have no idea what i'd have done these last few weeks without you constantly being there for me. I've just hit these moods, where I think about you and just abandon whatever else I'm doing to just come home and dive at you.I love you Bed :)

Regret.

I wrote an essay here, about people. Things I have always wanted to say to people.

I just couldn't say those things. I'd die if even one person realised it was about them.

I'm moving forward. Which is actually moving backwards.

I want to do something Crazy

It;s not so simple.

Waiting for the beat to kick in.

I'm sick of people at home.

I'm sick of the people I want to see living so far away.

I'm sick of this feeling where I feel like just sleeping to get away from it.

You told me something today, It made me sick, so stomach turning.
I'm quite empathic, statements like that get to me. I understand how you feel.
At the moment I just don't know what to say. Sorry.

Call me? x