Here we go again, another period of being apart.

I read that if a crush lasts longer than 6 months, you're already in love.

How about that? O.o

I guess I'm giving you this time because I don't believe you'll actually give me an answer. If you do actually give me one, we both know what it already is. True this is driving me insane but I'm used to that with you already. You're gonna take as much time as you need but if you take too long then I guess that is an answer in itself. x

I'm confused.

I hate myself for letting you in as much as I do. I can no longer separate my feelings from friendship. I've tried and I can't. This is always how it ends, boy falls for the girl but the girl can't fall for the guy. The horrible thing about it is that, I can't have a best friend without wanting more. I can't have more and that leads to being hurt by a best friend. I hate that this is all my fault. I miss you and you probably don't miss me at all. If you want to continue to stay silent then I'll understand that it is what you want and I'll respect that, beautiful.

I find it amazing that relationships with people can change so easy. The last few months I've had this hate for you. I just had this stupid not want to see you, talk to you or have anything to do with you. You had problems with me, and I realise how I'm so difficult because I'm now in the exact same positions with another friend. I never took the time to see the similarities between things.

I'm exhausted,yet I can't sleep. Fuck this entire thing.

I'm exhausted. I must have gotten about 3 hours sleep in 1 hour intervals last night and about the same amount of sleep the night before. You woke me up last night when I badly needed sleep but I decided to stay awake because I thought you might need some company. I don't know why I do these things. I just do them.

I just know that I won't make up to a text from you in the morning like I usually do.

I need to get my act together and book london. Maybe I just won't come home. That'd be cool :D

I have a huge love for this song. I'd love to do this. Just get up and go.

I totally woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

I've just been in a completely shit mood all day long and to top it all off I got this huge massive headache and it made it worse.

I'm hoping that 2moro is better and I'm not going to be mind numbingly bored because I've got plans to do stuff and I just hope they work out.

Funny thing my dad says to me about girls. I realised I have always followed it. Sometimes unintentionally but still it has always been the same.

"Does she like to read? Because if she doesn't share a love for books then she'll never respect your want to lose yourself in a book for a few hours at a time."

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does he feel, how does he kiss
How does he taste while he's on your lips
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you

The difference of being a trophy for the boy and being the boys trophy..

Truth is there's one real way of making me go from a bad mood into a good mood straight away. I used to be afraid of doing it too much because I thought the memory would lose all value if I though of it too much. lately I've thought about it a few times. I don't know why. I guess I just need a mood pick me up. I've been asked loads of times what this is, but it's really only something that I'd share with the two people that the memory involves.

You asked me for advice tonight, It's the same advice I always give you. All I ever have is your best intentions in mind. There's a genuine difference between the boy you likes you and the boy who thinks you're hot. There's a genuine difference between the boy you knows you and the boy who uses filler in conversation. There's a genuine difference between the boy who texts you as soon as he wakes up and the boy who texts you whenever he's bored. There's a genuine difference between the boy who says all these nice things you want to hear and the boy who does everything nice he says he's going to do.

It's all about intentions. The boy who likes you, the boy that knows you, the boy that texts you as soon as he wakes up, the boy who does everything nice he says he's going to do. He's the one that's always intended on winning your heart, he's the one that has put the effort in, he's the one that deserves it.

Wanna know why I think that? Because he's the same boy that if he wins your heart, that will wear it like a fucking trophy because it's going to be the most important thing to him and he's always gonna want to keep it close and keep it safe...

Today wasn't that scary, was it babe? x

At this rate I feel that my faith is going to hit an all time low.

I don't know what's with me lately. I've been getting ready for something. It's like a big push. Where I just Push out and get rid of everything that puts me in a bad mood.

I don't know about life lately. It has it's up and downs and I'm not going to make this into a stupid, I hate everything post. I just feel that over the last few months I've been so happy. I was happy with the way things were going. I was happy that I was getting back close to the people that matter. Things are changing. I realise that I've only got a few months left with some people I really care about it. I kinda hope that you;d change your mind. I wish you'd tell me that you wanna stay. I wish that we could start again. Go back all these years and enjoy them again. I seriously missed you after christmas. I remember the nights I could have used a night with you because I always leave feeling happy, I don't just feel happy. I just I'm in this mood where every things funny, I giggle the entire way home from your house at 6 in the morning sleep deprived and dying for my bed. The light always looks very weird on the first bus home. I don't really know how I'd define weird. It's just surreal. The light doesn't look like this at any other point of the day. It just makes me realise a few things. I got seriously sidetracked just there. I just enjoyed that summer where we spent a serious amount of time together. It meant alot to me. I know you're leaving in a few months and I know you're coming back but I also know that this marks the start of the big change. My best friend moves to another continent. I can't talk to him all the time. I can just try fix my sleeping pattern around when I think he'd be online. I'm cool with that. I just don't like that the time for all this is coming soon. It's like living against the clock but we can't do much about it.

Everyone has to grow up sometime.

Life has it's way of showing you what is important. I was out the other night, and Drama starts. I do my best to get out of drama in anyway shape of form. I'll do whatever it takes once it's important but if it's just something silly and small then it can get the fuck. Just Thursday was something that had not happened in a long time. I had to be there for a friend in a way that I've no had to be there for him in a long time. It's good to know that we've had our rough patches over the last few months because I've been a fairly shitty friend in general but when it comes down to it. No ones got his back like I do and he knows it. I might have missed the time that night when he needed me. I was there after and he knows I would have left with him if he asked. That's what best friends are about, Being there when it counts.

College results come out on Thursday. I'm kinda shitting it but I know what to expect. I actually made the effort into Psychology this year because repeating that during the summer was just the shittest thing ever. I wanna go out. I wanna get pissed and I want to do it without a certain thing on my mind.

I wonder have you noticed a change lately? We don't talk as much and I certainly don't act the way I used to. I guess we're just not the same anymore. It's hard to be friends when they only thing that is really keeping you talking is the fact that we used to be friends. I'm talking way back when we were growing up all them years ago. We made all these plans. We said we'd do so many things. Have you realised that we're nothing anymore? I'm not even sure if I tell you I love you, because I love you or because it's habit. I guess if I am doubting it then I already have my answer.

Sometimes I feel like I don't know whats going on. I know theres always the next day to try figure out what's going on but, We are running out of days. We had this talk, it was important to me because you are important to me. Every conversation is important to me. I just don't know if you took it all in, I just don't feel as if anythings changed.

It can tell that that dark is fighting the light and I should probably just let and get some sleep.

I just hope you're prepared to lose me, because you will.

I've made my mind up. I hope you just don't me down again.

one small step..

The thing is, I used to never care about others. I used to just do what I like. I played games when I wanted for as long as I wanted. I know this might seem like a small step for anyone else but tonight I actually text you and asked did you mind if I did since I know you wanted to call me. That's totally new to me. It's quite the big step too.

The mighty 200.

I just became aware that this is my 200th post in this blog. I'm gonna go have some tea before writing anything more..

200 posts in like a year a week. It's not too bad.

Why does this never work? I put so much effort into today. I tried to think of everything. I just wish things would work out. It's hard enough trying to make this more than a dream. You just seem non compliant sometimes. I want us to be more than just pixels, vowels and consonants, dial tones, vocal exchanges and generic goodbyes. I didn't mean to snap at you today. I just need you to understand my frustration. I wasn't mad at you. I was just mad because this was the only thing I had to look forward to this week and when it doesn't happen I realise I've nothing to look forward to for another 10 days. 10 days, 240 hours, 14.440 minutes, whatever you want to call it, It's all the same. Maybe I was mad at myself because I realised that if you're the only thing I look forward to then my life is kinda sad. Maybe it's just because of the stress of college and stuff is getting to me and so is court on thursday. I just wanted to talk to you. Take some comfort in your presence. I don't know. I'm sorry anyway babe.