I'm just gonna break certain parts down because I need some kinda timeline to associate things with.
Work:
I'm starting to quiet enjoy my job again. I don't know what it is but I realise that I do need my job. I wouldn't be able to live without it. I know I give up my weekends alot but there is nothing else to do. I'm very lucky to have it.
College:
I hate my course. I actually dread the idea of having to go in. I just get sick of it all. It just all seems pointless. It's all very common sense-ish. It just doesn't seem to actually teach me anything. It's just sometimes interesting to listen to, just sometimes. I feel disgusting knowing I've got to do so much work for something so stupid. If I ever pass it all then I've to pay 2 Grand just to get into next year to do something I really don't want to do anymore. The thought is sickening.
Home:
My sisters probably going to be moving to bayview. Which is kinda cool and kinda weird at the same time. It's closer and stuff. I'm in a rough place right now and I seem to be taking it out on my family. I tried to explain to my parents today but I just couldn't. My dad just gave me the biggest hug ever when I was leaving the room. I may be 21 but nothing beats a hug from my dad.
Girls:
I don't know. This whole situation has made me feel weaker and more sorry for myself than I ever have. I used to think that when I fell in love for the first time, that I couldn't help myself. I was this stupid teenager who couldn't block her out. I find the whole thing hilarious that I spent so long not letting anyone in. Not letting a girl in. I always told myself I was letting them in. Just to make myself feel like I was making progress when I wasn't. Then you came along and I don't think I could have kept you out even if I tried.
It's not your fault. I just think you hate me now. I just feel that you just got bored of me. You decided that you just didn't love me anymore. I obviously just wasn't good enough. I don't mean to make this all about me. I know you've got your problems and stuff you've to deal with. I just wonder if sometime you'll turn around and realise what we could have had. Everything we planned.
All the nice memories I still have. I wonder do you even still have the nice texts I used to send you to cheer you up? x
Personal:
I'm just in a really bad way these days. The combination of college and the other major events of the last few months finally caught up with me. I was so happy for so long. I've no just slipped back into this timid over thinking moan bag. I'm heavily relying on my friends to just keep me sane. I know it's unfair on them when I am fine, I'm barely around and I only come out when it suits me. I then get like this and I try to come out as much as I can. It's not fair but I guess that's the thing about having friends like mine. They never fail to show up when I need them. I asked my psychology lecturer and she said it was very unusual for a teenage group such as ours that is as big as 15-16 friends to still all be as close/best friends at the age of 19/21. People usually grow apart or get pulled apart by college and work. We haven't and I honestly can't tell anyone how happy I am about this.
There is just this nagging feeling that you actually never found me physically attractive and I hate it because I know I'm not. I don't get girls with looks. I really don't. I try at the whole weight loss thing but only to give up again. I find myself disgusting. I'm just going to try again and hopefully keep it up. I'd give anything to just have a nice body. To lose some fat. I've just got to keep it up. If not for my own well being. I need to do it for my mental health because for aslong I feel disgusting about myself physically I'm not going to stop feeling sorry for myself about everything else. I won't feel better and I just don't get out of this abyss that I feel like I'm sinking into.
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