Don't try hide behind him. You of all people know that won't stop me. It will only ever make things worse.

You know I don't care about anything right now. We both know I'd go straight through him and he wouldn't stand a chance. Don't make this a competition. I'll win and I'll leave when all the fun is gone. Sorry babe, but that's just me

This lack of sleep is killing me. I'm usually alright with nightmares and stuff but this is just getting stupid.

I decided to walk home from yours last night. The effort involved in that was unreal but I will lose all this weight even if it kills me. I don't know about what is going on anymore. This is one big mistake but yet it's just kept happening. I can't wait to get caught :P

The moment when I was sneaking back out of your house and while walking away you said to me "You won't win this time" and I turned back and I looked at you. I realised what was actually going on. Fuck.

I treated you like shit. Absolute shit. It might have been so so long ago but atleast you know that if you come to me when you need me. I'll be here for you. I'm not just trying to make up for the horrible cunt that I was back then.

You can slap me as many times as you want. I'll stand there. I'll push you and you'll fall. You'll get back up and run and jump at me. Then I'll destroy you. It's our nature.

I never deserved any of this.

Words - Statements - Promises - Emptiness - betrayal.

Yes.

I will be spending the next THREE days in london. Holy fuck I can't wait. Seriously it's going to be amazing with the fellow CM'ers.

AHHH SO EXCITED.

Update when I get home.

Small update on life: This is getting easier every day.

Ps. I love you Al Mc Nally. ;)

This sinking feeling.

It's been a while since I updated anything significant in this blog. I never really have anything new to talk about.

I'm just gonna break certain parts down because I need some kinda timeline to associate things with.

Work:

I'm starting to quiet enjoy my job again. I don't know what it is but I realise that I do need my job. I wouldn't be able to live without it. I know I give up my weekends alot but there is nothing else to do. I'm very lucky to have it.

College:

I hate my course. I actually dread the idea of having to go in. I just get sick of it all. It just all seems pointless. It's all very common sense-ish. It just doesn't seem to actually teach me anything. It's just sometimes interesting to listen to, just sometimes. I feel disgusting knowing I've got to do so much work for something so stupid. If I ever pass it all then I've to pay 2 Grand just to get into next year to do something I really don't want to do anymore. The thought is sickening.

Home:

My sisters probably going to be moving to bayview. Which is kinda cool and kinda weird at the same time. It's closer and stuff. I'm in a rough place right now and I seem to be taking it out on my family. I tried to explain to my parents today but I just couldn't. My dad just gave me the biggest hug ever when I was leaving the room. I may be 21 but nothing beats a hug from my dad.

Girls:

I don't know. This whole situation has made me feel weaker and more sorry for myself than I ever have. I used to think that when I fell in love for the first time, that I couldn't help myself. I was this stupid teenager who couldn't block her out. I find the whole thing hilarious that I spent so long not letting anyone in. Not letting a girl in. I always told myself I was letting them in. Just to make myself feel like I was making progress when I wasn't. Then you came along and I don't think I could have kept you out even if I tried.

It's not your fault. I just think you hate me now. I just feel that you just got bored of me. You decided that you just didn't love me anymore. I obviously just wasn't good enough. I don't mean to make this all about me. I know you've got your problems and stuff you've to deal with. I just wonder if sometime you'll turn around and realise what we could have had. Everything we planned.

All the nice memories I still have. I wonder do you even still have the nice texts I used to send you to cheer you up? x

Personal:

I'm just in a really bad way these days. The combination of college and the other major events of the last few months finally caught up with me. I was so happy for so long. I've no just slipped back into this timid over thinking moan bag. I'm heavily relying on my friends to just keep me sane. I know it's unfair on them when I am fine, I'm barely around and I only come out when it suits me. I then get like this and I try to come out as much as I can. It's not fair but I guess that's the thing about having friends like mine. They never fail to show up when I need them. I asked my psychology lecturer and she said it was very unusual for a teenage group such as ours that is as big as 15-16 friends to still all be as close/best friends at the age of 19/21. People usually grow apart or get pulled apart by college and work. We haven't and I honestly can't tell anyone how happy I am about this.

There is just this nagging feeling that you actually never found me physically attractive and I hate it because I know I'm not. I don't get girls with looks. I really don't. I try at the whole weight loss thing but only to give up again. I find myself disgusting. I'm just going to try again and hopefully keep it up. I'd give anything to just have a nice body. To lose some fat. I've just got to keep it up. If not for my own well being. I need to do it for my mental health because for aslong I feel disgusting about myself physically I'm not going to stop feeling sorry for myself about everything else. I won't feel better and I just don't get out of this abyss that I feel like I'm sinking into.

The only thing being in love with someone has ever really made me feel was sorry for myself.

I got a random text from someone today. We used to talk everyday. We fell out over something stupid. She told me she loved how I was always so strong. She told me she loved how she knew that she could always come to me if she honestly needed someone to depend on. She told me that the hugs that I used to give her helped her get through some very rough times in her life.

This was the most random text I could have gotten. I got it just after I collapsed on my bed too mentally exhausted to move. I wish I could have someone like that.

I've realised so much this weekend.

I really really want a hug.