I'm not annoyed at you. I know your still sick. I know it's killing you.

I just feel let down.

If only I shared with this blog what I shared with you.

Too bad all the things I write for you are just for you.

I really really hate your boyfriend or your boy or whatever the fuck he is. I don't know because it always seems to change. The lad seems to treat you like shit. He seems to try when it suits him. He seems to just care about himself. I get that I don't know everything but from what I know and what you've told me, this lad does not even deserve to talk to you. He's jealous of another lad, WHO LIVES MOTHER FUCKING HALF THE COUNRTY AWAY. Honestly lad, sort your life out. You're lucky she tries as hard as she does to keep you happy. She keeps to the rules you set for her, even if it means she's not to talk to me. I don't know what kind of man you are but any man who controls his girl like she wears a collar deserves a fucking reality check. No body has the right to tell anyone else who they can and can't be friends with. Ugh, You infuriate me.

I've had the courage to say to someone a lot of things latley I never expect to say to anyone again.

So last night I used my new found courage to start a conversation I've wanted to have for two years. It's been on my mind every time I see you. I'm so so happy you understood. I'm happy you realise that it was never easy on me either. I meant every word I said. They were too long overdue.

Today sucked.

I wonder what you'll tell her when she asks. I wonder will you blame me or will you fame me.

I think you'll say no and deny me.

What is the point of it anymore I guess?

I think choices are a pretty big thing for such a split second decision. I've never really had to think about it before this week because alot of people I know have made decisions that are pretty big but yet they seem to have thought about it very little. I don't mean like little as in the time spent, I just mean when you ask why or to explain how they came to the choice they have, they never really have an answer. I like to validate all my choices with reason. I think that you should have a reason for doing everything. If its something small as to just want something for yourself then the reason for doing it is selfish. It is as simple as that.

People around me have made quite big decisions. Even the people who are not "in my life" but are around when I'm out and stuff. People I enjoy seeing and talking to. I don't care that it's only for a few minutes or you barely catch up with what is going on in their lives. They are going travelling. They are moving away.

Recently my sisters boyfriend had to move back to england because he couldn't find work here. She said she might move over to him if he gets his act together. when I was told it seemed like no big deal but it really really is.

When I made the choice to go to college, I never really thought about what I wanted from college, or that it would involve going to DCU for classes and then doing the work. I just took college as something that had to be done. I kinda regret it and I kinda don't. I regret the fact that I'm stuck here for atleast another year and a half before I can really do anything. I regret that when someone asked me to move away with them I had to say no.

I just feel like Everyones leaving. Eddy goes away to america for the summer. That will actually kill me.

Christine goes away sometime that I can't remember. That will kill me.

So many people are planning on going on J1's this summer and I can't.

My decision to stay in my job, stay in college. All my own choices all made with my own reasoning. My life at the moment works. It's lacking a few things but it works.

Don't get me wrong, I just love the idea of going away with friends, it is amazing. I just hate the idea of friends moving and living in another country.

But moving to another country and leaving everything behind. Yeah the internet helps close the gap but the internet does not allow you to hug your mam and dad when you miss them. It does not allow you to sit in the company of your best friends and laugh about old times. It does not allow you to have that place you love to run to when you need to be on your own.

I know that moving also gives you space, it lets you become your own person with your own responsibilities and develop yourself as a person. I know it allows you to go somewhere else, and start fresh. Start with who you are and want to be. I know there are many more pro's for it, I just don't want to think about them. I don't want to want to encourage Eddy to move away and leave. I'm gonna be happy for him. I just won't be happy myself. That goes for anyone.

I'm always going to be from dublin. There are very few places I would like to move to. I'm not saying I wouldn't move at all but it would take alot to make me move.

I just think moving away is huge. The choice is huge. Moving out should be enough for most people. Get your own place and get things started. That way you can still rely on the support of the people who care.

I know I'm old fashion by being quite conservative and negative. My brother calls me boring for it. I don't know. I just like to think about everything and justify it. I've been wanting a tattoo for 5 years now and I have saved for it so many times but my nature does not allow me to pick something that I'm going to have for life. Not yet anyway.

Imagine you went with your original plan, imagine how that would have went, how life would already be different for you? You wouldn't want to still do what you are doing. You'd be happy and comfortable. I've never brought this up with you because I don't believe in convincing someone once their choice is made. They made it for their own reasons. If they prefered another idea then they would have just gone with that.

I've decided when I see you, I'm going to give you the biggest hug ever when I see you. I'm also going to cop a feel of your bum because I miss it.

It's funny, I text you because I needed cheering up and you managed to cheer me up within two messages. I love you so I do.

I told you something last night that I've never told anyone. I scare the fuck out of myself sometimes. it's not even a big deal to most people but to me it's huge. Wow.

I meant to tell you today.

I spent last night watching Alice in wonderland, just so I could actually talk to you about your favourite thing the next time you brought it up.

Even though she doesn't believe in love,

He's determined to call her bluff

Who could deny these butterflies?

They're filling his gut.

I know you always said you need to so this on your own. I just can't stand to see you struggle. I can't stand to see you upset. I can't stand for you to feel alone when I'd be right beside you if you told me you needed me. I want nothing more than you to be happy.

You made your choice. I've been bugging you for so long to make your mind up. Yeah I honestly thought I'd win eventually. I think we'll be alright though.

I hope you don't think that when I asked you for that promise tonight, I was messing. I don't break promises. They mean the world to me. I fully intend on what I asked you to promise me. I'd be a fool not to.

until then,

Maybe when you get home we can just be happy. Live happily ever after.

Bright Eyes <3

I could have used you today. I really could have.

but no, You decided to ignore me all day.

Maybe I am worth staying for, but that's impossible.

I probably should have told you that I wish I was worth the heartache. Which I don't seem to be.

I've never liked No doubt but this is me right now.