My nightmares are getting worse. seriously worse. I'm actually going to die of exhaustion before I let myself fall asleep. Fuck sleeping. The stress of things lately I think is causing it.
Things are not AS bad as I thought, but it's become apparent. It's time to start spending time with old members of my family.
It's crazy how I much I miss you, and how hard it is for me to say, goodbye and I miss you on the phone. My voice like breaks a little each time, It's a tad emotional.
This brings me to something that got onto my mind tonight, Lads who play off that "they are caring and just want you to know they really do care" BULLSHIT. I guess this is kinda personal too but yeah. Lad i know was with this lass, They broke up after a fairly long relationship. They had a break and decided, "yeah lets give this a shot again" well, due to the way things worked out, they both went there separated for the summer and he proposed the idea, of not doing shit with anyone else, and just waiting until they seen each other after summer to try again. Sources then go and confirm he had some other lass in his bed last night. I'm not perfect but seriously. somethings bug the fucking shit out of me.
What was the intention of the proposed idea? Did he wanna come home, and try again and never say what happened? Did he intend to tell her? It's not enough my business to be the one to tell her. I can't find out. Did he just wanted to be sure she wouldn't go off with another lad before he got home to "reclaim his territory?" Maybe it's a mutual situation and my information is outdated. I don't know. He's just a douchebag. Maybe, I'm just jealous because I liked her. I know I'd treat her better. He doesn't deserve her. She doesn't deserve that from him.
Some lads pull the wool so easy over girls who want to believe what they are being told. It's not a crime to just want things to work out.
I'm saying this though, girls are far from perfect.
I'm sitting here listening to Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down. I love this song. It's got beastly nice lyrics. Well so do most Dashboard Confessional songs.
I need to say this to you, I know you said you're not mad at me. While this is all the good news, I just feel I need to tell you something important. You might not have meant it the way you did, but you know how I am with the smallest things. This blog is public, Yet private. So I figure this is my best shot at showing just how sorry I am for what I've done. You might forgive me, but I wont let myself forgive myself so easy.
It's when you said "I didn't think you considered me like any other girl" I'm going to be honest. That hurt a lot. I've written this thing in my head a hundred times but yet, every time I write it down it lacks what I'm trying to convey past the letters in this blog. I just need you to know that You have been never considered like any other girl, you never will be considered like any other girl. I told you a while, Every detail about the day that I first started talking to you, from the moment I woke up, to when you fell asleep trying to stay awake to text me, to the clothes I was wearing and the things we talked about. I remember that, and can tell you because It meant to much to me that I think about it loads therefore becoming ingrained on my mind. One of those memories you just never let yourself forget. I've bought you credit when you couldn't get it because I didn't want days to pass when I wouldn't get to talk to you. I think that was a bit selfish though. I just put it here because, I just think that it helps show what I'm trying to get out of my mind and onto this. You can't read my mind. You can read this however. I've spent hours finding nice songs to text you. So you have something to smile about when you wake up. These are just some of the things that, I wouldn't do for others. You can give out to me for putting this here. I'll take it down if you like, but for now. I just need you to understand. You're not like other girls. Never have been to me.
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